How to Make the Best Of an Empty Nest

The SATs and college applications are well behind you, and your last kid -- your baby! -- is just about to fly the coop. You're either weeping as you dust his trophy shelf -- or comparing paint samples, picking just the right color for your new yoga den.

Facing that empty nest can be heart-wrenching, liberating or a little bit of both. But while the notion that parents fall to pieces when their kids leave home is embedded in our culture, some experts point out that it's a bit overblown.

"The idea of this syndrome is pretty much debunked in the literature," says Karen Fingerman, a professor of developmental and family studies at Purdue University. "Some people may feel it more than others, but it's not a widespread syndrome." Plus, she adds, cellphones and e-mail have diminished the impact of kids' departure by allowing parents to keep in touch easily.

Fingerman acknowledges that parents are likely to feel a pang or two when the kids depart. "I'm not saying you're not going to miss your kid. You love your kid, and transitions are hard." Still, Fingerman and others agree that saying "so long" to the last of your brood is a moment for you to figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life, and, now that you've got time on your hands, start doing it.

Here are some tips to help ease the transition:

1. Recognize opportunity's knock: Katrina Ogilby, a life coach ( http://www.beyondemptynest.com) who specializes in helping women start businesses once their kids leave home, notes that while the empty nest presents enormous opportunity, many parents "tend to see it as a time of grieving for the child and the time that's gone." Kathleen Hall, founder and director of the Stress Institute ( http://www.thestressinstitute.com) in Atlanta, emphasizes that parents should view this as "not a crisis but a rebirth." Fingerman concurs: "You're free of the everyday minutiae, so you have time and leisure to pursue other things."

2. Make time to think: Ogilby suggests "making some space for yourself, clearing some of the busy-ness out of your life" and consciously making time to reflect. "Our world is so energy-oriented," she says. "But you can't [make a successful transition] if you're just busy all the time."

3. Take stock:"Do an inventory of your life," Hall recommends. "Mentally, physically and spiritually. Find rituals to sustain you. Meditate. Take off your clothes and stand in front of a mirror, naked. What do you see? Do you need an exercise program?" This time of transition "can be a time for spiritual reawakening," Hall says.

4. Seek help if you need it:"Transitions are always hard," says Hall, "and people are going to cope better or worse with them. It varies by personality." Ogilby agrees that "some women are just stuck. They don't know how to proceed. Counseling helps them see in new ways."

5. Reconnect: As Hall puts it, "You're in a time warp. Your life has revolved around your kid's busy life, and now the busy-ness, the fun have all drifted away. You're left in a silent fog." Yikes. To break out of the fog, you can try new hobbies, volunteer or find a new job. Or, as Hall suggests, you can take this opportunity "to look at the world outside, ask yourself what do you love" and find a way to merge the two. "You don't have to tend to children," she notes, "so you can tend to the world."

6. Feather your own nest: Hall says that the kids' leaving home "is a chance to turn the empty nest into a love nest. "Many marriages have become fractured, frail. You need to attend to your marriage." For many couples at midlife, Hall adds, "sex is rote by then." Having the house to yourselves for the first time in 20 years can help shake things up. "You can play again," she says. "Shower together. Watch movies together wearing sexy clothes. You can have sex anywhere in the house, any time." But don't expect to loosen up all at once: "It's hard to retrain yourself," she cautions.

7. Restock the fridge: Hall, recalling her own empty-nest transition, notes that one of her biggest hurdles was "the quiet refrigerator. After all the food we had for the kids, it was almost empty." She and her husband opted to take a hard look at what they'd been eating with the kids and to shift toward more healthful foods. "We're partners," she says. "We said, 'Let's grow old together.' "

8. Rework the room -- or not: There's no right answer to this one, says Hall. If you're keeping your kid's room as is because she'll be coming home on holidays, that's fine. "But if it's a shrine, that's a problem. That's the way the universe works," she says. "It's time to move on to yourself, your marriage, your community."

Jennifer Huget is a frequent contributor to the Health section. If you have a Big Question you would like her to address, please send her an e-mail at health@washpost.com and mark the subject line "Big Questions."