Runaway Bridezilla

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Dear Miss Manners:

My husband and I are at our wits' end trying to figure out what to do. Our daughter eloped last month while we were dog-sitting her two dogs and under the pretense she was going on vacation. She had not planned on sharing this information until after she returned home, but was unable to find anyone else to dog-sit.

On the day she returned to pick up her animals, she demanded a wedding gift and card.

We were totally surprised and very hurt that she would run off with her fiance and not include us in the event. As her mother, I was especially disappointed because she has commented for the past 15 years (she is 36) how she would like her wedding, what her dress would look like, etc.

She just sent out announcements that included notice that there will be a reception this summer (in a park setting). Our quandary is this: Do we owe her a wedding gift now or in July? Since she chose to exclude us from her nuptials, are we expected to pay for a portion of the "reception"? If so, what part or how much? This is becoming an issue between us. Her birthday is next week and she indicated she would like her wedding gift before she receives her birthday gift. Right now I feel so betrayed, I don't want to give her either. How do you recommend we handle this?

The same way she did -- by running away. Fast.

It will come as a shock to your daughter, and apparently to you as well, to hear that getting married is not considered to be equivalent to performing a service for others, for which they must pay.

The last Miss Manners checked, adults had control over their own money and had no financial obligations to their adult children. That so many of them sponsor their children's weddings and give them presents presumably is because these are supposed to be happy family occasions, and they take joy in pleasing their children.

If you feel that way, by all means accede to your daughter's demands. If not, Miss Manners would consider that you did quite enough for her on this occasion by minding her dogs.

Dear Miss Manners:

We live in a condo, and our guest room also serves as my office. I invited friends to stay with us for a time that would have originally been three nights.

After setting the dates, they asked to extend to five nights for the purpose of getting a cheaper plane ticket. (They're not poor!) I reluctantly agreed. That was my first mistake, but to say no would have seemed insensitive to their potential economic savings.

The day before they were scheduled to leave, when I was already climbing the wall from being displaced and also constant entertaining and sightseeing, they asked to stay way into that last day, as they had a late flight. I made up a lie that we had to be somewhere late that morning to get them out of the house and gave them some alternatives where they could spend the day.

I think I got caught in my lie. In the future, how should I handle a situation where I commit to a stay (three nights is long enough in our situation) and then the guests want to extend and then extend again?

But why lie, when you have such a good excuse? Why didn't you reply to the first request, "I'm so sorry -- that's my office, and I need to get back to work?"

Miss Manners does not profess the sort of crude and callous morality that considers it a sin to say "I had a lovely time" if she didn't. But false excuses are foolhardy, as you have discovered. And even if you hadn't had a good excuse, none would have been necessary. All you need to have said was, "Oh, I'm so sorry. It was lovely having you here, but alas, three days was all I could schedule with you."

Dear Miss Manners:

The day before my birthday, I received flowers delivered to my office, with a card that read "Happy Birthday! Have a great day! John."

I have two gentleman friends named John, so I called the florist to inquire if "John" had provided a last name. The florist was unable to provide any additional information.

Since neither gentlemen has inquired if I received flowers, I am still unsure whom to thank!

Thank them both. You may not find out which one sent the flowers, but you will have two bouquets on your next birthday.

Feeling incorrect? E-mail your etiquette questions to Miss Manners (who is distraught that she cannot reply personally) atMissManners@unitedmedia.comor mail to United Media, 200 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10016.

2007Judith Martin