Tell Me About It

Dear Carolyn:

I have two sisters who don't speak to me for really stupid reasons. And my mother says that since they don't talk to me, I should come to her house the day before or after a holiday. I live out of state; they live in the same town as Mom. Am I wrong in thinking they should be punished instead of me for acting like children? I have told Mom I won't be treated this way anymore. Until she can tell them to grow up, I won't be back.

Cast Aside

I can see your frustration. I'd object to your mom's approach, too, and I understand completely your decision to stop coming home on such offensive terms.

But when you say your sisters "should be punished instead," you lose me. Your family's taste for punitive behavior is the reason there's masking tape on the floor, marking off people's turf. Enough.

I have no idea what your mother's thinking. She's in charge here; she can issue an open invitation for all to spend holidays with her and let the three of you choose to come (or not) and make nice (or not).

Since I'm talking to you, not your mom, take charge and suggest this.

It's certainly your prerogative. If she says no, then it's also your prerogative to decline to spend your holidays on the wrong side of the tape. And, finally, it's your prerogative to invite your mom -- and, hey, sisters too -- to come spend a holiday with you every once in a while.

In other words, you have three ways to exercise your control over a problem that feels beyond it -- and to exercise it honorably, instead of just punishing everyone back.

Dear Carolyn:

A good friend recently married and became a stepparent to a 7-year-old. My wife and I love both his new wife and daughter, but the child dominates get-togethers by demanding constant attention (they always bring her because she always wants to come). Her mom doesn't correct her when she interrupts or demands to play a game, etc.; he doesn't correct her; and we are left wondering if we ever get to have an adult conversation with our friends. Is there any way to suggest adult-only get-togethers, or to say something about this situation?

Boston

Recently, your good friend and his wife asked a 7-year-old to make a staggering adjustment. While it does sound like they're the ones staggering -- since declaring a behavioral free-for-all hardly stabilizes kids through tumultuous times -- nevertheless, this is all very new, and your friend is doing his best.

So your primary job as good friend is to realize this is all very new and he's doing his best. Patience. Either till they learn to get a sitter or till the girl turns 12 and becomes one, since there's no right way to tell your friends they aren't being very good parents.

In the meantime, if your frustration with unchecked 7-year-olds has you looking for a secondary job, recognize that your friends probably want adult time as badly as you do. Try to help. Bring dinner to them, so Daughter is on home turf and, at least theoretically, less needy. If you're a good boy, maybe your fairy godfather will use sleepy dust to send Daughter off to bed.