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Carolyn:

I am the "ugly friend." I have this great friend whom I go out with all of the time, and whenever we go out men inevitably hit on her. I am not hideous by any means, but in comparison to her, no one would really give me a second look. I know that I need to be comfortable with myself, but it gets frustrating and of course I can't bring this up to her. A few weeks ago, I thought this guy was really cute and was thinking about asking him out, and when he came over to talk to us, she was her normal chatty fun self, so, of course, he asked her for her phone number. I don't know if I need advice or just need to vent.

Va.

So. Your beautiful normal chatty fun friend is single?

Is, was, either way -- it's all the information you need to remind yourself (repeat as needed) that it's a lot more complicated than pretty faces and "ugly" friends. Yes, in a quick-to-meet-you environment, certain people will always stand out.

But standing out produces exactly what you describe, and not a bit more: an introduction. Maybe that produces more conversations, maybe not. Maybe conversation yields more phone numbers, maybe not. And so on.

And since the only qualities involved here are his boldness and her looks, I don't think you can even say these approaches significantly improve your friend's chances of finding happiness over yours. Unless of course she wants bold and he wants beautiful and neither wants to look beyond that -- which can't be what you have in mind.

It's hard on the ego, yes. It's also not about ego. Even if you're one to gag at "the one," you still have to know that a good mate is a rare alignment of complex, subsurface traits, all prettied up with an icing that keeps your attention. And that's why so many how-we-met stories play out at work, at school, in neighborhoods -- i.e., environments with enough ambient lighting, sobriety and time for subsurface traits to show through.

While you're waiting for this to prove itself, or just waiting for your friend to finish another chatty fun exchange with a guy who looked right past you, try scanning another reminder: real couples. Pull up a chair, look around at the paired-off people and ask yourself how many would satisfy one person's notion of hot.

Carolyn: