A Better Response to Rejection

(Jacqueline Larma - Associated Press)

Ethnic balance also matters: Schools in which no one racial or ethnic group dominates tend to have less bullying and students who feel more connected to school, Graham's research found.

Improving "emotional regulation" is also critical, says Cillessen: "Teaching things like 'Slow down. Count to 10. What am I feeling? What can I do to solve this problem?' That's a very powerful component." And repeatedly practicing these skills helps develop the frontal cortex, the part of the brain that puts the brakes on behavior.

Parents can help by modeling these techniques and by pushing schools to be sensitive to children's emotional development. "Attachment to school is important," Cillessen says, noting that a feeling of belonging has repeatedly been linked to higher academic performance and fewer behavior problems.

Unfortunately, many stepped-up security measures, such as searches, metal detectors and "zero tolerance" policies that result in rapid expulsion, can undermine children's connections to their schools.

Having difficulty recognizing rejection also makes a child more vulnerable.

Shifra Gassner teaches a combined second- and third-grade class at Manhattan's East Village Community School, whose staff aims to deepen students' sense of connection to the school. She describes "one little guy" who came in late in the year and was having trouble with emotional control. "He sings at funny times and is very easy to tick off," she says.

One day, "the new guy was belting his heart out and this other kid was looking at him, pointing at him and laughing." The other kids didn't join in, and the boy who made fun admitted to Gassner that he had made a mistake. The new boy came to her later and admitted how he wasn't sure whether the child who made fun of him "was his friend."

"That's a real emotional gain for him," Gassner says, noting that in the past he would not have recognized what was going on. "If you want children to know something, you have to teach them." ·

Maia Szalavitz is co-author with Bruce Perry of "The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog And Other Stories From a Child Psychiatrist's Notebook" and a senior fellow at Stats.org. Comments:health@washpost.com.