Mashed Peas And Monkeys

Tiger Woods welcomed his first child on Monday with an outward display of joyful self-assurance. However, there are signs that Woods is like any other frazzled and uncertain new father. Woods has been secretly peppering the advice columns with anonymous yet thinly veiled inquiries on how to handle his dual responsibilities as phenom and parent. He has pestered Carolyn Hax, Miss Manners and Dear Abby, and addressed additional queries to Girlshrink, Ask John Q and Spill to Jill. He has even directed a few to me, no doubt because of my reputation for dispensing warm advice in this space. (Give, give, give, all I do is give.) The following are typical of the hundreds of inquiries Woods has been firing off, along with my informed and generous replies.

Dear Sally: I am a first-time father. I want to be a great one. I mean a really, really, really great one. Like, the greatest ever. Can you name some other fathers who I should look to as role models? Yours truly, Unerring Eldrick.

Dear Eldrick: When it comes to fatherhood, don't aim to shoot low. You're looking for a big score. George Washington, the father of our country. Herodotus, the father of history. Albert Einstein, the father of science. These are your peers.

Dear Sally: Can you suggest the best infant safety seat for a Gulfstream V? Yours truly, You Da Man.

Dear You Da Man: There are many infant safety seat types, from benches to buckets, but not all car seats may match your means of transportation. Since it's essential to install a safety seat tightly, with the proper angle and no side wiggle, I recommend that you check the fit before purchase. You can always get a refund on the seat if it doesn't suit the, um, vehicle.

Dear Sally: When is it too soon to start playing the games with my baby that I loved as a child? You know, like, "500 Drives Before Snack Time," and "Willie the Wedge"? Yours truly, T. Wunderkind

Dear T. Wunderkind: Pablo Picasso painted his first masterpiece at 8. Franz Liszt gave his first concert at 9. Tatum O'Neal won her Oscar at 10. Steve Wozniak was doing electronics experiments in the fifth grade. By comparison, you were a late starter. You better get cracking with that little girl, or you'll be behind already. I'm talking a rattle made out of Pinnacles, and Titleist mobiles over the crib.

Dear Sally: I recently opened a jar of all-natural mashed peas and snuck a taste, out of curiosity. They were pretty bad, especially the texture. Am I really supposed to give this stuff to my adorable child? Yours truly, Swoosh Boy.

Dear Swoosh Boy: Yes. The nutritional value is questionable, but the comedy value is not. At the end of a long tired day of parenting, shovel up a spoonful, and send me pictures of the faces the kid makes.

Dear Sally: Let's say, just for laughs, that I am the greatest golfer in the world. If I decide to play in the British Open less than a month after the birth of my daughter, does that make me a bad father? Or should I take a long stretch of time off, even if it means missing my own sponsored tournament in Bethesda? Yours truly, Persimmon Schmersimmon.

Dear Persimmon: There is no question that committed fatherhood means sacrifice. The ocean catfish is a truly devoted and self-sacrificing father. He carries the eggs of his young in his mouth for several weeks, until they're ready to be born. During the whole of that time, he is unable to eat. Arctic penguins are also very selfless fathers. They stand in sub-zero temperatures for sixty days or more, guarding and warming their eggs with their leathery little feet.

Humans are not always so sacrificing. Still, there is empirical evidence that suggests fatherhood will make you more selfless. Chris Knoester of Ohio State's sociology department, who studies the effects of fatherhood, has found that family concerns begin to supercede personal desires and leisure. Also, fathers with multiple children tend to seek ways to work that will benefit their children. A study at the University of Bristol of British households found that fathers don't want to work fewer hours than non-fathers -- but they do want flexibility, to control their working hours and their leisure so as to be with their kids.

You, however, are in a tricky situation. Your vocation is what many men consider to be recreation. Therefore, the question of what is work, and what is play, is not the same for you as it is for, let's say, a wheat farmer.

Dear Sally: Will fatherhood come naturally? Will it change me? And if so, is that a good thing? Yours Truly, Top Flite.

Dear Top Flite: These are complicated questions, not easily answered, even by experts. While there is a lot of research into the effects of motherhood in the natural world, fatherhood is studied less frequently. One reason for this is because in almost all nonhuman primate species, the father plays no role. In the case of rat fathers, if they get near the babies, they eat them.

There are some creatures that offer opportunities for insight, however. Among primates, there is the admirable male marmoset, a small tree-dwelling monkey, who spends 70 percent of his time caring for his newborns. Interestingly, scientists have found that fatherhood changes the brain structure of marmosets. Becoming stay-at-home dads makes them smarter monkeys.

Elizabeth Gould of Princeton University, who studies the brains of marmosets, has found that fathers have better neuron activity in the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain associated with forethought and execution of tasks, than those without offspring. The fathers had more dendritic spines, which foster connection between nerve cells, which means their brains are more active than those of childless monkeys, and they also had more receptors for vasopressin, a peptide that influences social bonding.

According to Gould, the marmoset brain is very similar to the human brain, so she wouldn't be surprised to see similar effects in men. But she cautions that the results of fatherhood aren't simple, even in monkeys. "There's obviously an enrichment component to infant contact," Gould says. "And also stress. So my guess is we'd see very complicated results."

All of which is to say: Tiger, you're going to have to figure this one out for yourself. But if Sam Alexis Woods and her mother lay greater claim to you than a major championship, your galleries surely will understand. In the meantime, we have no real advice to offer, just sincere congratulations.