It's Not Easy Choosing Themes

Sunday, June 24, 2007; B02

The nation -- or at least a chunk of it -- groaned last week as Hillary Rodham Clinton outsourced her official presidential campaign song to the Canadian Celine Dion (ooof, Celine Dion!). It's too late to help Hillary, but here are some suggested theme songs for the rest of the 2008 pack.

Rudy Giuliani

Song: "Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning)," Alan Jackson

Why: Because remember where I was? I was the mayor? Of New York? On 9/11? Have I mentioned that?

Sample lyric: "I'm just a singer of simple songs/ I'm not a real political man/ I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you/ The difference in Iraq and Iran."

John Edwards

Song: "Benefit of the Doubt," Haircut 100

Why: The $400 haircut issue still dogs you. This song, by this band, may finally get folks off your back.

Sample lyric: "Could have been another way/ It looked bad from the start/ Won't you give me, give me benefit of the doubt."

Fred Thompson

Song: "I'm Too Sexy," Right Said Fred

Why: Okay, you haven't announced yet. But you will, right? I mean, we're waiting . . . Fred?

Sample Lyric: "I'm too sexy for your party/ Too sexy for your party/ No way I'm disco dancing."

Al Gore

Song: "(It's Not Easy) Bein' Green," Kermit the Frog

Why: Is global warming cool enough to get you into the White House? This song could make people feel sorry enough for you to vote for you.

Sample lyric: "It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things. And people tend to pass you over 'cause you're not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water -- or stars in the sky."

Mike Gravel

Song: "Who Are You?" the Who

Why: Do we really have to spell it out?

Sample lyric: "Tell me who are you? Who, who, who, who?"

Mitt Romney

Song: "Hatchet," Low

Why: This song by this critically acclaimed Mormon indie-rock band may be just the inspiration your campaign needs to reach out to blue-state America.

Sample lyric: "Let's bury the hatchet like the Beatles, the Beatles and the Stones/ Like the Beatles, the Beatles and the Stones."

Barack Obama

Song: "The Roof Is On Fire," Rock Master Scott & the Dynamic Three

Why: No, we didn't choose this because of the recent fire in your attic. Oh, all right, we did. But it's also a great rabble-rousing tune.

Sample lyric: "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire/ We don't need no water, let the . . . "

John McCain

Song: "Straight Talk," Dolly Parton

Why: Your campaign needs a little mantra refresher.

Sample lyric: "Don't talk to me in circles in some mumbo-jumbo jive/ Gimme just straight talk, straight talk and we're gonna be alright."

Michael Bloomberg

Song: "Moneytalks," AC/DC

Why: This will remind people why you've been able to abandon both the Democratic and Republican parties.

Sample lyric: "Come on, come on, love me for the money /Come on, come on, listen to the money talk"

Ron Paul

Song: "Crazy," Gnarls Barkley

Why: Lets you fully embrace the outsider image you've cultivated. And you can dance to it!

Sample lyric: "Yeah, I was out of touch/ But it wasn't because I didn't know enough/ I just knew too much/ Does that make me crazy?"

-- Joe Heim, an assistant editor in The Post's Sunday Source section