ASK AMY

Monday, June 25, 2007

Dear Amy:

When I was 19, I was raped at a party.

Except for with licensed therapists, I have never talked to anyone about what happened.

I am now 24 and have been dating a man for the past 10 months.

Early in our relationship, he asked why I was so shy of him, and I told him that I had little experience with men, and what experience I did have was bad.

I didn't tell him the complete truth, because I thought it was too soon to tell him something so emotionally loaded.

Since then, he has been extremely patient with me, and he has expressed an interest to "understand where I'm coming from" regarding physical intimacy. I know that my continued silence on the subject hurts him, and that this has become a sticking point in our relationship.

He's caring and very gentle, but he is also increasingly frustrated with the lack of a deeper physical and emotional commitment. He wants to be with me, and he refuses to make another move until he understands why we're still not having sex after 10 months. I'm afraid that telling him the truth will upset him or make him think less of me.

I want to be open and honest with him, but every time I try to talk to him, I chicken out.

How can I tell him about what happened without causing him (or me) undue distress?

Afraid of the Consequences

What you are going through and what you're feeling is completely understandable.

If you are able to, please get in touch with one of the therapists who counseled you after the rape. You need extra support and encouragement at this time. You could also call the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network's hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673). The RAINN Web site, http://www.rainn.org, offers a very helpful search tool where you can type in your home Zip code and find a counseling center near you.

The most important aspect of becoming emotionally and sexually intimate with someone is the ability to tell the unvarnished truth with the belief that you'll be understood. You deserve to trust a man -- and this man deserves the opportunity to prove to you what he's made of. Good luck to you both.

Dear Amy:

In a recent column, you said something that really bothered me. You said, "When it comes to matters of where the family spends its summer, I believe that the kids shouldn't necessarily get a vote."

How is this fair to the kids?

I'm 12, and I know from my own experience and from hearing from my friends that parents don't necessarily choose kids' favorite vacation spots.

For instance, parents might choose a museum instead of a swimming pool, which is what the kids want.

If parents restrict children's choices too much when it comes to summer fun, the kids will end up angry at their parents, especially when they get back to school, and other kids say how great their summer was.

Irked

I believe that all kids should have to spend at least one summer afternoon sitting on a porch while being forced to listen to an elderly relative gas on about the old days.

Kids should be dragged through at least one museum, Colonial village or beached battleship.

Kids should be forced to mow the lawn, weed the vegetable garden, walk the dog and carry the groceries into the house.

Kids should have to spend one entire summer day with absolutely nothing to do and nothing to watch -- with only a good book to keep them company.

Once all of these summertime activities have been fulfilled, then I agree -- "Everybody into the pool!"

Dear Amy:

I just had to write when I read the letter from "Mom and Grandma" giving advice to the middle-school girls who wanted to wear shoulder-baring dresses at their graduation. She said they should wear shawls over their bare shoulders.

My problem with her suggestion is the fact that there is a dress code set forth by the school. Why can't that rule be followed?

In the past, parents supported rules; now they are teaching children that a rule doesn't mean anything if they don't like it.

This rule is pretty insignificant in the scheme of things, but no one wants to follow even the most basic rules anymore.

Why?

Ruled Out

I completely agree with you. In my original answer, I told the middle-schooler that they would violate their dress code at their peril. Then I was flooded by letters (mainly from grandmothers, for some reason) suggesting ways for these girls to beat the system.

Write to Amy Dickinson ataskamy@tribune.comor Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.

2007by the Chicago Tribune Distributed by Tribune Media Services Inc.