Week 720: The Course of Humor Events

1521: Martin Luther could not stomach the Diet of Worms.

1544: Cartographer Gerardus Mercator was imprisoned for heresy:
Religious authorities refused to give him any latitude.

About three years back, we ran a great set of results to a contest asking for rhyming couplets that told about historical events. Loser Peter Metrinko, who just happened to get no ink in that contest, asks that we compile another such chronicle, but that we also allow other short formats as well, such as those above. Okay, there should be enough history to go around: Sum up a historical event in a two-line rhyme or other clever and pithy epigram. Though history tends to repeat itself, we'd like to prevent it: Here are the results of the Week 570 contest. Don't use the same jokes, please.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a 2007 Extreme Ironing calendar (hey, you'll still have five more months), donated by Poetical Loser Brendan Beary; it depicts "ironists" ironing while hanging on the side of a cliff, swimming underwater, suspended from a tightrope, etc. Must take a heck of an extension cord.

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 9. Put "Week 720" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 29. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Beth Baniszewski of Somerville, Mass. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart. The new contest was suggested the first time around by Russell Beland, who would never stop reminding us if we didn't mention it.

Report From Week 716

In which we asked for poems featuring words from this year's National Spelling Bee. The Empress granted no ink to those who made up their own meanings or used the words as nonsense syllables.

4. Oubliette, a dungeon with an opening only in the ceiling:

With an old oubliette, one could just forget
About terrorists like old Geronimo.
So why must the press write of the distress
At our new oubliette in Guantanamo? (Steve Ettinger, Chevy Chase)

3. Affliction by leeches -- hirudiniasis:

Bloody disgusting, however you spin it.
They trigger our deep-seated hygienic biases:
But worst is that one of them's born every minute. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)

2. Strigil, an ancient Roman tool to scrape dirt and sweat from the body:

He comes, he sees, he takes a bath,
For he is dirty. Crud he hath.
He's pulled another all-night vigil.
Caesar takes his trusty strigil,
Scrapes away all grimy matter,
Then goes after Cleopatter. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)