Tell Me About It

Dear Carolyn:

I have a friend who is very promiscuous, and at first I just rolled my eyes, but now it bothers me. I am not sure how or if I should tell her. She isn't discreet about her actions and is known among many people as "easy" or "slutty." Would you believe this woman is 35?

Her behavior doesn't really impact me, but people know I am good friends with this woman, and I wonder if I might suffer for the association. I also am starting to pass my own judgment on her actions, and I worry for her health.

I'm torn over if (and how!) I should tell her how I feel or if I should just let her live her own life and reap whatever she sows.

Anonymous

So, at 35 a woman's sexuality gets sentenced to home detention?

I believe men and women, from about 17 on, are capable of making their own decisions about their own sexuality. Some earlier, some later, some never, but you get the idea.

If she is plainly unhappy with her choices or if her choices are plainly hurting others, then you have grounds to express how you feel. If you just don't like or respect her, then you just don't like or respect her.

But if you just think someone with her image is bad for yours, then please take a harder look at your own values. Which is "right" here: drawing lines sexually or choosing to color outside them? Having questionable judgment or judging others as questionable? Dropping pants or dropping friends?

Little is black and white to begin with, and sexuality might be the grayest zone of all. To navigate through it, ask yourself two questions: Who is hurting whom and why? And, knowing this, whose heart would you trust to be in the right place?