Play Fair

The fairground is calling, with its siren song of late-summer thrills and nostalgic time travel.

Come with us now, as we help guide novices and old-timers alike through the region's dizzying array of fairs large and small, where old-fashioned agricultural pride meets the cheesy hucksterism of the 21st century, where life moves a little slower (except on certain rides) and where it helps to be in touch with your inner child -- if not your inner ear.

Herewith, we offer a few hints on what to expect, plus survival tips.

1. Dress for a mess. Fairs are typically hot, sticky affairs. Wear comfortable clothing and sturdy footwear that you won't mind getting soiled with sweat, mud, food -- including the regurgitated varieties -- and, yes, animal waste. I've heard tell of pigs urinating on people and have seen more folks toss their cookies than I care to remember. (And don't wear anything like flip-flops unless you're prepared to let go of them the first time you get on the Cliff Hanger.)

2. Sidestep the sideshow. I know. It's hard to resist come-ons for the "World's Smallest x Horse," "Angel the Snake Woman" and the "Gorilla Girl." But truth-in-advertising this ain't.x

3. Send your diet on vacation. You expected maybe salad? With such standard fare as cotton candy, kielbasa, chili cheese fries, stuffed ham, caramel corn, fudge, pizza, soft-serve ice cream, more food on a stick than you've ever seen in your life and just about anything deep-fried that can be fried (e.g., chicken, dough, Oreos, Twinkies and, yes, vegetables), the fair is not the place to eat light. (See tip No. 1.)

4. Funnel cake, shmunnel cake. Having visited fairs from Timonium to Richmond and Calvert County to Fredericksburg, I often hear people ask, "What fair has the best funnel cake/fresh-squeezed lemonade?" That's like asking which McDonald's has the best hamburger. Funnel cake is cake batter, people, fried in hot oil and sprinkled liberally with powdered sugar (sometimes called elephant ears or, bluntly enough, fried dough). Lemonade is lemon juice, ice, water and sugar. Hard to screw up. That said, don't buy funnel cake unless you see it come dripping out of the vat. Like beignets, they're best piping hot and get stale mighty fast sitting on the counter.

5. Buy the wristband. At most fairs, ride tickets are priced separately from the admission fee (as are concerts and grandstand events). Even the Virginia State Fair, which used to include unlimited rides in a somewhat higher gate fee, has switched this year to separate pricing. With rides typically requiring anywhere from two to seven tickets, that can quickly add up. If you're planning on anything more than desultory riding, buy whatever discount package is available.

6. The "fun" house . . . isn't. Are you old enough to sleep without a night light? Move on to the bumper cars.

7. Caveat emptor. Whatever it is, if you won it at a booth that says "Prize Every Time," it will break, leak or require new batteries before you get home.

8. Bypass the goblet toss. You know that carnival skill game where you throw a Ping-Pong ball at an array of goldfish bowls (or the like) filled with colored water? You'd have better odds in Las Vegas. Stick with something like the squirt-gun race, where you compete against other shooters aiming water pistols at a stationary target. Note: Your odds improve with fewer opponents; so grab a seat when the booth is almost empty, late in the day.

9. Motion sickness: It's all relative. Trust your inner voice, not your kid's or your spouse's, if you think a ride might be too much for you. Ride-induced dizziness and nausea -- the result of a mismatch between real and perceived sensory information, or a disagreement between your eyes and your inner ear -- varies from individual to individual, based on gender, age and other factors. As a rule, women tend to get it worse than men, with symptoms peaking in children between ages 4 and 10, and declining thereafter. Having recently eaten can worsen your susceptibility. (See tip No. 1.)

10. Bring a camera. The photogenic serenity of Kenilworth Park and Aquatic Gardens is all well and good, but if your tastes run to loud colors, flashing lights, spinning things and farm animals, the fair is a photographic gold mine.