Communicate to Get What You Want

Find out as much as you can about what people are paid in your position, throughout the company and elsewhere. Roger Dawson recommends using Web sites such as www.salaryexpert.com, www.salary.com and www.jobweb.com. Also investigate loopholes. If the company says it doesn't pay anyone in your position more than $80,000, but you know that they've granted sizable signing bonuses, press them on that point.

A HOUSE OF HARMONY

It's divvying up chores -- Who's turn is it to take out the trash, anyway? -- or deciding who gets the bigger room in your new apartment. In our personal relationships, we negotiate frequently. Here's how to do it effectively:

Compromise

The key is to negotiate for a win-win outcome, rather than win-lose. "When one person loses, both lose," says Elizabeth Sloan, a family therapist in Frederick and Glenn Dale. "There's resentment and fallout over time."

Talk It Out

Communicating openly with each other is critical, Sloan says: "Sometimes you're not going to come to an agreement, and that's okay. It isn't bad for the relationship; you just have to continue the dialogue."

Most important, though, is understanding why your position is important to you, so that you can articulate this to your partner -- diplomatically, of course.

"Too many people get into what I call Perry Mason mode," Sloan says. "They each have facts lined up behind their position that they think proves their partner is wrong, and that just creates defensiveness." Remember to listen to what the other person has to say about his or her position, and ask probing questions.

Keep the Big Picture in Mind

Don't let your emotions blind you to what really matters, whether it's a conversation about curfews or a dispute with your spouse about money.

Even if a marriage goes sour, negotiation is still critical. In divorce, "the two sides will never have more control over their future fates than when they're negotiating," says Christian Curtis, a divorce lawyer in Alexandria who says settling out of court is a win-win situation.

"Usually the biggest asset is going to be a house," he says. "In cases where people refuse to negotiate, they wind up destroying whatever equity they have. They're going to spend it on attorney fees and trial preparation."