'Two Coreys': A Double Negative

In the realm of pop celebrity, the bar has been lowered so far that there is no bar. People can be famous for being famous, famous for being infamous, famous for having once been famous and, thanks largely to the Internet, famous for not being famous at all.

Where to place those two badly behaved brats of yesteryear, actors Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, along this continuum? The increasingly quirky A&E Network -- in a mood more eccentric than eclectic -- has placed them in a house, added Feldman's very attractive wife, Susie, to the mix, and come up with yet another answer to this question: "Where have all the has-beens been?"

"The Two Coreys," premiering tomorrow night, is another testing of waters that seem to be constantly tested within the new communications matrix. Will people watch in sufficient numbers even to qualify as an "audience"? These days, there is no predicting and, it sometimes appears, no justice.

"The Osbournes" can be said to have started the trend of semi-celebrities allowing cameras and microphones into their supposedly private lives and then obligingly running amok. "The Surreal World," with its collection of miscellaneous C- and D-listers making like monkeys in the zoo, brought the aforementioned bar down to speed-bump level.

But teaming onetime teen faves Haim and Feldman in a modified "Big Brother" house -- and dropping in on their monosyllabic conversations -- out-camps camp. It's the non-event made somehow more "un" than "non," and thus perhaps appropriate to the new age of unformation and untertainment.

One alleged rationale for reuniting the pair is that it's the 20th anniversary of their 1987 film "The Lost Boys," a horror movie that used vampirism allegorically -- to join up with the local gang of adolescent bloodsuckers was to conform and be cool. It was competent but unremarkable, and if it's a cult film, the cult wouldn't quite fill a pothole on P Street.

In the premiere, the boys -- now in their mid-30s -- attend a celebration of the anniversary that does, indeed, draw a crowd. One other member of the cast shows up: Not Jason Patric, the film's star, or any of the other better-known names, but instead Jamison Newlander, a good-enough sport to find the whole thing semi-amusingly absurd.

The three of them answer questions at a screening. Most of the action, however, takes place at the home of Feldman and his wife, who generously have allowed Haim to move in while he -- what is the phrase? -- gets his life together? Jump-starts his career? With detox or rehab behind him (he mentions previous substance-abuse problems that occasionally put him in tabloid headlines), Haim has little to do but play video games with his buddy and dream of getting a sequel to "Lost Boys" into production.

In an apparently genuine display of emotion by both Coreys, Feldman finally breaks the news to Haim that Warner Home Video has already got a direct-to-DVD sequel in the works. To make matters worse, Feldman says he was invited to do a cameo appearance in the film but that Haim wasn't. Out of brotherly loyalty, Feldman turned down the offer. Haim sobs as his friend hugs him.

There's no way of knowing if any of this is genuine, of course. Much of the attempted dramatic conflict seems faked, as when Feldman's wife and Haim exchange nasty cracks, with Haim at one point derisively referring to Susie as "Yoko." Ooh, that (still) hurts. Later, Haim growls at her, "You're not part of 'The Coreys,' and you never will be." Tut-tut! Not very good manners for a house guest.

Maybe the two actors should try a new version of "The Man Who Came to Dinner," with Haim as the intruder who, say, smokes up all the weed and raids the medicine cabinet.

In a spirit of reconciliation, Haim shows up late in the half-hour with a box from Tiffany's. Feldman: "A wedding present? Dude, that was four years ago!" Yes, the show has its moments, and that is one of them.

But no matter how far one is willing to lower standards -- cross the line, trash the bar and revise definitions until they are meaningless -- there is no way to mistake "The Two Coreys" for anything of value.

The Two Coreys (30 minutes) premieres tomorrow night at 10 on A&E.