Singing for Her Supper

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Dear Miss Manners:

Can you give some advice to a professional opera singer who is frequently asked to give impromptu performances at social gatherings?

Much like the comedian constantly harangued for a joke or the doctor cornered for an opinion on a growth, I am struggling to find a graceful response to frequent well-intentioned entreaties for an aria from "Boheme" in the midst of an otherwise perfectly delightful occasion.

I feel like a heel to decline, but I don't care for winging it. I don't want to come off as the "diva" who refuses to sing except for a paying audience, and I don't see how I'm ever going to get people to stop asking. So I need a few tools in my arsenal for handling these occasions gracefully.

If it is any comfort, you would also be criticized if you complied. Oh, sure, people would stand around admiringly.

But however enchanting your performance, one or two would be bound to drift off in the middle, murmuring about your "showing off." The word "diva" would be used pejoratively -- which, by the way, you of all people should not be doing.

So do not weaken. To refuse, you should say, "Oh, I'm so sorry -- I'm flattered to be asked, but I'm under orders to rest my voice." You needn't mention that those are Miss Manners's orders.

Dear Miss Manners:

I was eating at a cafe with a friend of mine when she took off her shoes and put her feet up on the chair at the empty table next to ours. There were not that many people in the restaurant, but I was still mortified. What, if anything, should I have said or done?

Well, you could have spread out, too, putting your coffee on the adjacent table -- even if you had to order a cup for that purpose and mistake the table on your return -- and, oops, spilled it. That would have made the lady sit up in a hurry.

No, wait. Miss Manners does not actually advise hurting people, even when they seem to be asking for it. It would be better to warn her, after setting this up, that you are afraid you might spill your coffee and wouldn't want to take the risk of hurting her.

Dear Miss Manners:

I am often in a situation where I realize that the two people that I am talking to probably don't know each other or haven't been introduced to each other.

It seems so stuffy to say, "Jason, this is Emma. Emma, this is Jason."

And should you always start with the "higher-ranking" person's name, or the newer person's name, in the intro?

To avoid the above stuffiness, I will usually say, "Emma, have you met Jason?" but then I feel like I might be insulting one of them by only directing the question to one.

"Have you two met?" causes problems because then I am again faced with the stuffy "Jason, this is Emma. Emma, this is Jason." What is a smooth way of making sure they know each other's names? Does any of this matter?

Stuffy? And, pray tell, exactly what, if you please, is wrong with being stuffy?

Miss Manners admits that her natural predilection for the stuffy has been stiffened by the way its opposite, "casual," has come to signal the sloppy and the uncaring.

But even if she allowed you to get away with that slur, she could hardly imagine a more plain, simple, straightforward set of statements than "Emma, this is John Tweedledom. John, this is Sarah Tweedledee."

Yes, stuffy old Miss Manners has added their surnames.

She finds it ridiculous to withhold half the identity if the introduction is to be of any use. And she has addressed the lady first, although a large difference in age also counts, and a 17-year-old Emma would be introduced to a 54-year-old Jason.

Those are small courtesies. What matters most is that you take it upon yourself to introduce people you know instead of letting them stand around awkwardly, and that you do so in the conventional way rather than struggling to reach for something original.

Dear Miss Manners:

My parents are planning a party and had already invited the guests when they were subsequently invited to a different party that they're dying to attend on the same night.

What are the rules when it comes to canceling one's own party for another? Is it equally as rude as trying to get out of an invitation because you've been invited to something better?

I think they want to pretend that they were already planning to go to the second party and made a mistake when scheduling their own.

No, it is not equally as rude. It is ruder. A defaulting guest has inconvenienced his hosts, which is bad enough.

Defaulting hosts have inconvenienced their entire guest list -- which might contain people who might also have had better subsequent offers that they are now too late to accept.

Miss Manners supposes that the false excuse they propose is better than admitting that they want to enjoy a more interesting evening than they were planning to offer.

And what are they planning to say when any of their own dismissed guests show up at the same party, knowing perfectly well when the invitations were issued?

Feeling incorrect? E-mail your etiquette questions to Miss Manners (who is distraught that she cannot reply personally) atMissManners@unitedmedia.comor mail to United Media, 200 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10016.

2007Judith Martin