Commit to Compromise
The Editor of Working Mother Magazine Shares Tips on Making Choices and Staying True to Yourself.

By Jill Hudson Neal
Special to washingtonpost.com
Thursday, August 23, 2007 5:00 PM

Supermarket shopping during daylight hours. The pure joy of hearing the dulcet tones of Robert Siegel, host of NPR's "All Things Considered." Trips to the movie theater. High heels, clothes purchased anywhere besides Target, sleep, bathroom privacy, airline travel, a clean house and girlfriend time. Those are a few favorite things I've compromised since becoming a mom. Actually, that's the stuff I've just given up on. As a working mother, the compromise list seems to grow longer by the day and often requires the negotiating skills of Boutros Boutros-Ghali . So I contacted Suzanne Riss, editor-in-chief of Working Mother magazine, to get her advice on how working mothers can learn to make compromises they can live with.

Jill Hudson Neal: What do your readers say is the hardest compromise they make?

Suzanne Riss: Most working moms tell me it's realizing that there's no 50/50 split when it comes to balancing work and home. The image is that it should be equal. The more we recognize that, the better off we are and the saner we feel. Some days, moms have to give more at work if there's a big project due and the kids might not see them as much. Other days, you'll give more to your family. That's one thing you make peace with, that you're forced to make choices.

Jill Hudson Neal: You have a son (Jack, age two and a half). After going back to work, were you caught off guard by how many compromises you had to make?

Suzanne Riss: Yes. I was back at work within six months. But it got easier after I got plugged back into my working network, where it was easier to get back my professional and social identity. It's also important to learn to start thinking about yourself again. If you lose your sense of self, moms start to feel increasingly isolated and depressed, and can lose their sense of self worth. You're so consumed with your child, especially in the beginning, that you neglect your interests, (and) so many things go by the wayside. After the early years, then you can start to think about yourself again.

We always encourage our readers to take time for themselves. Give yourself some downtime; so many working moms don't do that. I need to have that quiet time to daydream and remember all those dreams and aspirations I had.

Jill Hudson Neal: Sometimes the thought of compromising is uncomfortable because you realize you can't have everything exactly the way you want -- or the way it was before the kids came along. For example, going to the grocery store with my kids after school and before dinner is often a very ugly experience. So I go either very early in the morning or after they're asleep.

Suzanne Riss: That's really smart. If you know that something doesn't work for you and your family, the smartest thing in the world is to compromise on it to alleviate the stress. You're almost saying compromise is negative. But it's realizing when things don't work, when you need help, when you need to say no. One of the biggest challenges moms have is coming up with restrictions. You make choices based on what's important to you. Decide where you need to be and be there, or what you need to do, and do it. Evaluate your priorities often and then lose the guilt about it. Is is ok that your family room won't be in House Beautiful? Get in touch with the compromises that make you feel like they're robbing you of part of yourself that's important to you.

Jill Hudson Neal: Do most working mothers feel an overwhelming feeling of stress juggling all they have on their plates?

Suzanne Riss: Conventional wisdom says yes. But try to think of it in an expansionist way. That juggling these multiple roles provides enormous benefits to our emotional health and financial well-being. That's not to say our lives aren't complicated, but they're more fulfilling. More is better and gives me more.

Jill Hudson Neal: That's very "glass half-full" thinking! But every working mother I know has had to scale back her professional ambitions somewhat in order to stay sane.

Suzanne Riss: Yes, especially when your children are young. But letting all of your professional ambition take a backseat to your job as mother is, our readers tell us, a cause of depression. That sadness that you've given up your dream. But we hear about so many mothers who get the great business idea AFTER they have children. Sometimes having the kids is the key to allowing them pursue their entrepreneurial side. Motherhood doesn't have to be at odds with achieving your professional or personal dreams. It does take a conscious effort to realize them. The rewards are enormous and your children benefit, too, in the end because they see their moms doing it.

It helps to learn to fuse your professional and family lives. Get to a place where you're comfortable letting work and home lives blend. It used to be that you wouldn't want to have pictures of your children at your desk. Now the most enlightened employers at least understand that women don't have to leave themselves at the company's door. You reduce your stress if, you're at work and you can talk about your kids. Or when you're with your children, you can talk about your job in a positive way. It supplies a nice role model to your kids, too. It's a conscious effort to fuse those lives and speak about both sides of yourself all the time.

Jill Hudson Neal: Do moms who're looking to get back into the work force face any special challenges?

Suzanne Riss Their biggest challenge usually isn't anything concrete, like keeping up their skills -- most women know to do that. It's the internal challenge of building their confidence back up after having been out of the workplace. I'd also advise you to do something that makes you feel like you're that same person you were before, whether that means buying that cool pair of pants you love or those fashionable shoes -- indulge yourself in some small way that might feel frivolous.

Jill Hudson Neal: What're the most important things NOT to compromise?

Suzanne Riss: Don't compromise time with friends -- or time alone if you can find it. Having the time to daydream or remind yourself of those dreams. Schedule a date night with your husband or, if you're a single mom, find time and energy to socialize in any way you see fit. It's vitally important to have strong emotional relationships outside of those with your kids.