The Starting Lineup

By Dan Steinberg and Desmond Bieler

Tim Floyd: If an infinite number of monkeys were handed an infinite number of NBA franchises, would one of them eventually hire the worst coach in league history?

Hahahaha!! Man, even after four-plus years, that crack is still hilarious. Hard to believe, but it was way back on June 16, 2003, that this li'l laff-fest kicked off with that item. Less hard to believe is that they've finally pulled the plug on it, although why it took so long will go down as one of the great mysteries of our time. Still, there have been several jokes along the way that we were amused to see in the pages of this august journal and, with your indulgence, we'd like to share a few:

Aug. 4, 2003: Funny Cide: Beer named for gelded Derby winner debuts. Said to have robust flavor, but not quite full-bodied.

Dec. 8, 2003: The Trail Blazers: Begin housecleaning by trading head-case Bonzi Wells. They're determined to build a team with Mo Cheeks but fewer, um, jerks.

May 3, 2004: Francisco Elson: Denver center calls Kevin Garnett "gay" for hitting him in the groin. Elson later apologized, saying he was just frustrated at the way Garnett was beating up on his Nuggets.

Aug. 29, 2005: Warrick Dunn and T.J. Duckett: Atlanta backs set to join Michael Vick again in so-called "DVD" backfield. Of course, any unit featuring Vick figures to have the letters "VD" associated with it.

April 17, 2006: Pete Carroll: USC Coach names John David Booty team's No. 1 quarterback going into training camp. This comes as a relief to many Trojan fans, who were concerned that Booty wouldn't get a fair shake.

April 17, 2006: John David Booty: The kid hasn't even officially won the job yet, and already his jersey has been snapped up by Jennifer Lopez.

May 8, 2006: Matt Leinart: QB romantically linked to Paris Hilton. Leinart said his affair with Paris has made him realize he should actually be proud of the fact that at the NFL draft, only nine guys went ahead of him.

Sept. 4, 2006: Jessica Simpson: While struggling with voice problems, Dallas-raised singer tells MTV she sounds "like a donkey." Making her this summer's second Dallas diva to sound like an ass.

Sept. 18, 2006: Alfonso Soriano: Finally succeeds in attaining membership in "40-40 club," joining the likes of Alex Rodriguez, Barry Bonds, Jose Canseco and Dolly Parton.

Nov. 27, 2006: Rich Rodriguez: West Virginia Coach says even though his kids got upset by South Florida, he's "not going to drop them into the grease." However, the Mountaineers did receive an offer to get slathered in oil by Mark Foley.

Dec. 18, 2006: Tom Brady: Single again after three-year relationship with actress Bridget Moynahan. Brady has already told the folks at Visa that he'll be needing those five layers of protection.

Jan. 1 2007: Adam Archuleta: Completes his first season in Washington as one of the biggest busts in Redskins history. His girlfriend, former Playboy model Jennifer Walcott, assured Archuleta that there's nothing wrong with a big bust.

Feb. 19, 2007: Jeff Gordon: Penalized before Daytona 500 for equipment that was riding too low. NASCAR analysts said the low riders could signal that Gordon's 2007 campaign already is showing cracks.

Benched: Us.