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A Surreality Check

Rudy Giuliani retracted his statement that he had spent as much time at Ground Zero as had first responders but said some of the time he was trying to pry a giant ape off the Empire State Building.

Alberto Gonzales denied he was a liar and denied he was quitting and then quit. We await the other shoe.

Barry Bonds tripped and shattered into 23 pieces.

William Kristol called for an invasion of Venezuela and East Hampton. Instantly, the proposal was debated throughout the entire weekend on TV talk shows.

Rep. Tom Tancredo blamed the Minneapolis bridge collapse on "fat illegal aliens." This too was widely discussed.

Fred Thompson admitted he had once lobbied on behalf of pro-abortion groups. He said he had been jet-lagged at the time.

Karl Rove quit the White House and, in a series of interviews, cited his success in Iraq, Afghanistan, the president's approval rating and control of Congress. His family considered institutionalizing him.

A survey of political bloggers showed that 94 percent of them had never been out of the country or read anything other than a Harry Potter book.

People magazine admitted that there is no such person as Lindsay Lohan.

Rupert Murdoch bought the Wall Street Journal after vowing to no longer be Rupert Murdoch. Timm Romney said he understood.

There was a leak of plans to keep American troops in Iraq forever or for only 30 years or for only two more years or none of the above. This is because the surge is succeeding, failing, succeeding here but failing there or totally beside the point because that country's still going to fall apart.

Troubles in subprime lending led to market volatility and caused the Fed to open its little-used discount window (but not on Sundays), which, of course, has an impact in the out-years. Conservatives insisted that the government not intervene in the subprime crisis but continue to tax hedge-fund billionaires at a lower rate than their maids because this, as we know, is what God intended. Conservatives also pointed out that subprime borrowers had lost their homes because they were greedy and believed -- how dare they? -- that they could own houses.

Barack Obama said no one should be called subprime. All the Democrats held hands, agreed and signed a petition by the Subprime Caucus to treat foreclosures as a hate crime.

George W. Bush is still president.


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