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Week 730: Time-Wastes For Everyman

Style Invitational
(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)

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Saturday, September 8, 2007

Along with his entry for Week 726, Loser Russ Taylor of Vienna marveled at the amount of brainpower that must have gone into compiling the database at OEDILF.com, which now includes more than 43,000 limericks defining words in the Oxford English Dictionary -- and it's not even finished with the C's. "The OEDILF makes me think that there is a contest in describing activities that make entering The Style Invitational seem like a constructive use of one's time." Okay, seems as good a waste of effort as anything else.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the Float'n Firefly toothbrush, which besides containing a snow-globish thing in its handle, encourages extensive brushing by flashing red lights in your face for a full 60 seconds. What lovelier way to enjoy the peace of the early morning, now that Howard Stern is no longer on the free airwaves?

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 17. Put "Week 730" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 6. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Phil Frankenfeld of Washington. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Bruce Alter of Fairfax Station.

Report From Week 726

in which we sought limericks featuring words beginning with cl- through co-:

4 .If complacency strikes, you may find
That you're not the industrious kind.
Though your life could be better,
You're not a go-getter.
But so what? It's okay, you don't mind. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.)

3. Does my constant repeating suggest
That I'm senile or totally stressed?
I forget what I've said
And it fills me with dread . . .
Does my constant repeating suggest . . . (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

2. the winner of the Swedish 2006 year-in-review and the Polish translation of Candace Bushnell's "4 Blondes":

At Communion, my soul staves off danger
All thanks to that kid from the manger.
If I nibble the Host
While forgetting the Ghost,
I'm just a poor wafering stranger. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

And the Winner of the Inker

Though we opened to critics' acclaim,
My play died in three days. I'm to blame,
Since the title, so vital
To any recital,
Was "Closed for Repairs" --
no one came. (Chris Strolin, Belleville, Ill.)

AABBA'S B-Sides

Cox was a cocky young coxswain
Who because of his heart took digoxswain.
He kept all his meds in
(And also his Keds in)
The boxswain which Cox kept his soxswain. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

"If I said that I hadn't a clue,
"Then, Watson, just what would you do?"
"Well, Holmes, I confess,
"I would probably guess!"
"Which is why, Watson, I am not you." (Richard English, Partridge Green, West Sussex, England)

At the precinct, I stopped up the flow on
All the urinals, toilets and so on.
But they've none to accuse.
As I left them no clues--
And the cops have got nothing to go on. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.)


CONTINUED     1           >

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