Week 730: Time-Wastes For Everyman

The Donald's a whiz with a reel
And a shark when he's closing the deal.
His slippery morays
And conger-line forays
Appear in "The Dart of the Eel." (Chris Doyle)

I'll be very direct and succinct:
No, the coelacanth isn't extinct.
Its existence belies
The alleged demise
Ichthyologists formerly thinct. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

To clap is a signal of joy,
But the clap is a downer, my boy.
You go from erotic
To antibiotic
And pray for the pills you employ. (Jack Held, Fairfax)

As control freaks, we tend to dress neater,
And you'll find our suggestions concreter.
(A note to the editor:
Don't leave out the credit, or
Forget to check tone, rhyme and meter.) (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)

Body bags, toe tags galore!
An examiner, medical? Sure!
If your morgue's small in size,
Hire one of our guys --
Check the buys at the coroner store. (Bob Dvorak, Saugerties, N.Y.)

"She's commando!" the paper reported.
The pictures were certainly sordid.
Her life's in a rut:
She's going bare-butt.
Britney's poor brain must have shorted. (Dan Colilla, Pittsburgh)

Said the captain, "I think there's a sick tie
" 'Tween this half-eaten foot and this licked eye.
"Arrest this guy Dahmer
"And once we get calmer,
"See what's left of the corpus delicti." (Michael Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.)

Glenn Close, who's a popular star,
Went into a Hollywood bar.
They told her, "My dear,
You can't smoke in here."
And so it was Close, no cigar. (Mae Scanlan)

The philosopher rolls in his grave;
Two millennia's wisdom and they've
Put it inside a cookie
You crack for a lookie:
"Confucius say: Oh, just behave!" (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)

I'm a wonderful son of a gun.
Ascertainable flaws? I have none.
I'm handsome and tall,
Just the greatest of all.
(So reports a committee of one.) (Chris Doyle)

Father John's an unfortunate bearer
Of news that, by rites, should be rarer.
Seems a test will reveal
He's a father for real,
The result of a clerical error. (Chris Strolin)

Coprophiliacs, welcome! It's true
That the Invite appreciates poo.
And because you're well versed,
You may find yourself first,
But we know you'd prefer Number Two. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)