Pillow Talk

Once couples agree on change, therapists advise them to vary what leads up to the lovemaking. Some couples enjoy watching a sexy movie, or reading erotica together, or taking a bath, according to Lawrence Sank, a psychologist who shares an office with Shaffer, his wife. "Routine predictability is the enemy," he notes. "Couples need to have novelty. And it need not be swinging from the chandeliers, or a third party."

Shaffer recommends her clients go on a weekly date, a picnic or long walk, anything that reminds them why they picked each other. She also suggests couples relax together each night, alone. If children are at home, she says, they can be told that Mom and Dad are off-duty.

The good news is that couples become more alike in their need for closeness in later years, with many men learning to enjoy the same pleasure of the touch that their partners have always prized.

"Couples don't realize what they have in each other," Shaffer says. "It's like a gold mine they're not mining."

Some couples have known that all along. A Baltimore woman tells the story of her parents who woke up one morning several years ago to a huge snowfall. She called to check on them and got her mother on the phone.

Mom, giggling, asked her daughter, "Do you know what your father just said? He looked outside and said, 'On a day like today you do three things: build a fire, pop popcorn and make love to your wife.' We could only do two," she added, "because we don't have a fireplace."

The couple asked that their names not be used. But we can tell you this: She was 85 at the time. He was 89.

Staff researcher Karl Evanzz contributed to this report. Comments:steppl@washpost.com.