Monday, September 17, 2007

In the next six days, the Redskins will play two games -- tonight in Philadelphia and then on Sunday at FedEx Field against the New York Giants. The Burgundy and Gold squaring off against the Eagles and Giants reminds us of a time when men were men, Diddy was Puffy, and the NFC East towered over the rest of the NFL like a mighty oak in shoulder pads. From 1987 to 1996, NFC East representatives won.

Smash-to-Mouth Resuscitation

The most obvious solution is for the division to return to its roots -- a slobber-knocking ground game, complemented by a defense equally capable of slobberectomies. The 1990 Giants were just 24th in the league in yards per carry, but they wound up with the second-most attempts. In fact, all the NFC East Super Bowl winners of that era were in the league's top five in rushing attempts except the '87 Redskins, who were ninth. Compare that to the division's current standard-bearer, the pass-happy Eagles, who only once since 2000 have finished above 25th in rushing attempts. In a related development, Philadelphia's postseason results haven't exactly inspired widespread John Facenda impressions. The moral of the story: Pound that rock! And if the division could add just a tad of Lawrence Taylor-esque intimidation to its defenses, that wouldn't hurt, either. Actually, it would hurt, and that's the point. Now we're not suggesting that the Giants go and bring back LT, but, you know, there is a current NFL superstar who has that same handle, and if any NFC East squad could somehow snag that guy (LaDainian Tomlinson, for the horrifically ill-informed), it would have all the incentive needed to start re-acquainting itself with the handoff.

Enough With the Retreads

It might not be a coincidence that the standard-bearing Eagles are the only NFC East team with a coach still in his first go-round. Andy Reid isn't particularly young anymore, but -- Lord knows -- he's hungry. The rest of the division has been content to exhume the likes of Joe Gibbs, Wade Phillips, Tom Coughlin, Bill Parcells and Marty Schottenheimer, guys with more FiberCon than fire in their bellies.

Out-and-Out Regime Change

Never mind the coaches, it all starts at the top, right? And the NFC East seems rife with meddling owners and incompetent personnel men, who set the division back with costly deals for the likes of Eli Manning, Clinton Portis and Quincy Carter. We're just passing along, not endorsing, this suggestion from our crack staff: "Raise Jack Kent Cooke from the dead, have his flesh-eating zombie corpse eat Daniel Snyder."

An Inconvenient Half-Baked Theory

This one we pilfered from reader Dusty, who opines, "Global warming is to blame for the NFC East's decline." Of course! The division has lost a crucial home-field edge because changing weather patterns have made stadiums in December a far cry from the windswept wastelands of yore. Um, at least in New York. The point is, the NFL needs to fire Commissioner Roger Goodell and replace him with Al Gore immediately.

The Dearly Departed Doormat

When the NFL realigned in 2002, Arizona moved to the NFC West, and any return of the East's mojo surely must be accompanied by the return of this most accommodating franchise. By going 23-56-1 against their East rivals between 1986 and 1995, the Cardinals provided an essential respite from the rest of the division's relentless slobber-knockery. In the heartfelt cry of our crack staff, "Bring back the Cardinals!"

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