Inappropriate Spending Wipes Out Books

To: The University of Maryland

From: Couch Slouch, Class of '81

Re: Fundraising

Recently I received a letter -- one of many over the years -- asking me to contribute money to my alma mater. Rather than reply privately -- as I have many times over the years -- I thought I'd give you my answer here:

No.

My answer will remain the same, for this and any subsequent lifetimes, as long as the school continues to foster, promote and cultivate big-time intercollegiate football and basketball. I hate to single out Maryland, because it is no more culpable than any one of dozens of other institutions of higher earning that keep pushing that loaded rock up the division I hill, but other schools aren't soliciting me for money.

Since I graduated from College Park a quarter-century ago, I understand academic standards have risen. Similarly, McDonald's has begun offering healthier menu items. In either case, we're not talking top-shelf education or nutrition.

I have nothing against Ralph Friedgen or Gary Williams. Coaching is their profession; they are paid to produce winning teams. But this type of activity is inappropriate at the university level. Until you change the culture of athletic worship, you cannot meet the challenges of the outside world.

I know, I know: Who doesn't lap up the pageantry of college football on a fall Saturday afternoon? Who doesn't get swept away in March Madness and the Final Four?

Please. The height of hypocrisy -- as disingenuous a pursuit as any -- college football and college basketball have nothing to do with college. They aren't student-athletes; they are athletes paid practically nothing to create massive revenue for the school. They are minimum-wage drivers in the getaway car to the bank -- and they don't even have auto insurance.

Our priorities are screwed up. We spend far too much time on fumbles and fast breaks. Why should a football coach be the face of the university? Why not an electrical and computer engineer who is doing breakthrough work in the areas of magnetism, nanotechnology and biochemical detection?

Should a bigger weight room ever be a priority? Do we even need a weight room? They're student-athletes -- have them lift some books once in a while! Start with thin volumes, like "The Cat in the Hat" and "The Old Man and the Sea," and have them work their way up to "Look Homeward, Angel" and "Moby Dick." Heck, the O-line should be able to bench-press "Don Quixote" by midseason.