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A Garden of Perverses
It's headline time, delivered in rhyme

By Gene Weingarten
Sunday, September 23, 2007

Sex has been filling the news for a while.

So I'll sum it all up for you, doggerel-style.

Stall Tactics

This the ballad of Senator Craig

Potater red-stater, sees gays as a plague

Gets caught with his pants down like some sleazy scuzz

The guy he came on to turned out to be fuzz.

He pleads guilty while acting all sheepish and hapless

For men's-room-stall footsie in south Minneap'lis.

But when it goes public, he's feisty and smug

"I just splay when I void," he explains with a shrug.

It seems now this wasn't his very first tryst

Stories of bathroom encounters persist:

Urinal hookups, bliss in a stall --

Indignantly, Craig keeps denying it all.

The kind thing would be to feel bad for this guy

But the hypocrite's living a life that's a lie.

It's an irony sheathed in a pretty pink wrapper:

Here's a career that's gone straight down the crapper.

A New Wrinkle on Sex

Lo and behold,

A journal reports

That the wrinkly and old

Excel at bed sports.

Up to their eighties,

The seniors still play,

Rolling like the Euphrates

(We mean in the hay.)

At home and far-flung

This was billed as good news.

(Still, we know to the young,

It inspired some "ewww"s.)

The Big Sleazy

Down in Louisiana, by the lake called Pontchartrain,

A town that's named Metairie has absorbed a certain stain

Of the type you find on linens (after they've been mussed),

This place has got a problem with its leaders and their lust.

A local pol named Livingston was set to chair the House,

Till Larry Flynt came up with proof he was a cheating louse.

So Robert quit his job -- ashamed but also pretty bitter,

Replaced by a Metairian by the name of . . . David Vitter.

Now Vitter's in the news reports for acting like a schnook,

And buying time with ladies; his name popped up in a book

Of a D.C. escort service, and there was an added catch --

Another cathouse fingered him -- one near Metairie, natch.

Now, not every politician is a satyr or a cheat,

We're sure that many toe the line and abjure all deceit.

But if you're a Metairian with political ambition,

Just know that being horny may well be a precondition.

The Sand Man

A man who was formerly chief U.S. surgeon

Contends he was muzzled (at George Bush's urgin')

From talking 'bout sex. As to why, he said, So it'll

Prevent a discussion of icky things coital.

Condoms and pills are bad, as Bushies view it.

Premarital sex? Hey, they say, just don't do it.

A head-in-the-sand stance? Well, let's trace it back . . .

It's from the guy with his head in the sand of Iraq.

Gene Weingarten's e-mail address is weingarten@washpost.com.

Chat with him online Tuesdays at noon at www.washingtonpost.com.

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