Hitchens Soaps Up in Vanity Fair: Oh, the Horror!

Osama the Camper

Six years after 9/11, Outside magazine has come up with a unique view of the mastermind of the attacks: "Whatever else you can say about him," writes Ian Frazier, "by now Osama bin Laden, if he's still alive, is the ultimate outdoor guy in the world."

Frazier, a veteran reporter, author and humorist, makes a pretty good case for this not-entirely-serious thesis. After all, living in caves in the Hindu Kush mountains for six years is a pretty impressive feat of outdoorsmanship.

"What, for example, is he doing for drinking water?" Frazier asks. "In the winter he must melt snow, but in summer, does he strain out the glacial scourings with a water filter?"

Then there's this: "The wind in these mountains howls in summer as well as winter; what does he do about chapping?"

As a boy, Osama loved camping trips in the Arabian desert with his father, Frazier reports. On one trip, Osama and a pal captured a lizard and brought it back to the tent, where they surprised their fathers with it. "Anyone who has ever camped," Frazier says drolly, "can imagine the hilarity."

Frazier suggests a new tactic in the hunt for bin Laden: Send American outdoorsmen to the Hindu Kush to search for him -- "military guys, hunters, mountain climbers, people who read this magazine."

In fact, he suggests the perfect people for the job -- his outdoors pals Steve and Matt Rinella. "I've hunted with Steve and Matt, and they're incredible." And then he adds this bit of info: "Steve has an article in this issue, on page 178."

Well, naturally, I turned to page 178 and found "Down, Boy," Steve Rinella's account of traveling to Vietnam so he could sample the local culinary specialty -- cooked dog. "I've eaten just about everything that you can legally hunt or purchase in a supermarket, from maggots to antelope bladders to a crown roast of kangaroo," writes Rinella, who is the author of a book called "The Scavenger's Guide to Haute Cuisine."

As it turned out, Rinella didn't much like dog meat, and when he encountered boiled dog paw in broth, he couldn't help thinking about Muffin Man, his girlfriend's cute little corgi-terrier, which kind of spoiled his enjoyment of the meal.

Could this sentimental dog-eater actually catch Osama? I don't know. But it would make a helluva story for Outside magazine.

The Miracle Food?

Speaking of food, the cover of Prevention magazine touts "The One Food That Fills You Up, Fights Disease & Fires Up Weight Loss."

What is this magic chow? Soybeans? Broccoli? Dog paw in broth?

Nope. It's peanut butter. Prevention's "grocery guru," Marge Perry, recommends slurping the stuff right off a spoon. Unfortunately, she has nothing to say about peanut butter's traditional old pals -- grape jelly and Wonder bread.