Help Son's Classmates Fathom Cerebral Palsy

Q. I am the mom of a bright, witty and fun 6-year-old who has cerebral palsy.

We are fortunate, however. The exact diagnosis is spastic diplegia and his condition is fairly mild: His legs have tight muscles and his gait, pace and balance are affected, but he walks unassisted; he has only low orthotics in his shoes and he's now starting to try to run.

His peers in first grade are curious, of course, and this week someone called him "handicapped because he walks crooked." I am going to talk to his class about his CP and give them a chance to question my son.

But what, exactly, should I say to his classmates? I don't think they need a lot of information but enough to keep them from making any more hurtful comments. I know I can't always prevent kids from saying these things, but I'd like to teach my son how to handle it when they do. I'd also like to find positive language to use since words like disability and limitation are so negative, and I'd like to read some books about children with special needs and how they can keep from being hurt. Good books on this subject are really hard to find.

A.You're smart to talk with your son's class now, at the first sign of a problem, rather than wait for it to escalate.

Children don't mean to be cruel when they tell your son he's handicapped. They simply use this and other unwelcome words because they don't know what else to say, any more than your son knows how to respond. They are also direct about his condition because children are direct about everything and you can bet they are deeply curious about it.

Your son's classmates will want to know if CP hurts, if it's contagious, if it could happen to them, even now, and if it makes it harder for him to learn or to think. If they don't ask these questions, tell them anyway.

They would probably love to look at his orthotics, too, and to walk around in his shoes, just as they would want to ride around in the wheelchair of a child who couldn't walk or to cover their eyes with a bandanna to see what it's like to be blind.

You also should tell the class that words such as handicapped or disability hurt your son's feelings (and yours). There always will be some children at school -- or at the supermarket or at church -- who will use them occasionally, but don't hold it against them. Politically correct words or expressions can become quite incorrect in just a decade or two, and you can't expect every child -- or every adult -- to keep up with the times. If you can ignore hurtful comments, however, your son will learn to ignore them, too. Words are only as negative as you allow them to be.

As much as the word "disability" bothers you, don't shy away from it when talking to the class. Your son and his classmates need to know that every child in every school is "abled" and "disabled" in some way, because of the genes they have inherited, the way they were born and how they are built. One child may be great in art or music but baffled by arithmetic; another can find patterns in the most disparate objects but have few social graces; and a third child may talk like a poet but confuse her d's with her p's when she prints.

You'll make your case clearly when you tell the class that CP is your son's disability but that he gets good grades and he makes people laugh because he has two strong abilities: He's bright and he's witty. And then tell them he'd be glad to explain a math problem to them or answer a question about phonics if he can but he sure would appreciate it if they would teach him how to throw a ball. Your invitation should draw many takers, since there's nothing a first-grader likes better than to tell a buddy what to do. These helpers also will stop almost all teasing, because bullies seldom go after a child who has friends.

The kind of books you want are in short supply, but "Special Kids Need Special Parents" by Judith Loseff Lavin (Berkley, $14) has an excellent chapter on teasing and hurtful words, and "Helping Your Special Needs Child" by Sandy Tovray and Maria Wilson-Portuondo is a fine resource guide. This book, published by Prima, is out of print but you can find a used copy online.

Questions? Send them toadvice@margueritekelly.comor to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.