Casting an Early Vote

John Rich: Performed at campaign stops for Fred Thompson in Iowa and Tennessee.

The Funniest Celebrity in Washington Crosses the Line

What's there to laugh about in Washington? Seems everyone was trying to figure it out Wednesday night.

At the Funniest Celebrity in Washington Contest, the first to raise the obvious question was contestant David Corn. "Washington must be in hard times if I'm a celebrity," the Mother Jones editor riffed during his stand-up routine. "What, was Harriet Miers busy?" Time.com pundit Ana Marie Cox wondered why Rick Santorum wasn't competing in the charity fundraiser. "Then I realized by 'funniest' they didn't mean unintentionally funny. And by 'celebrity,' they didn't mean anything at all." Cox took third place, while Sen. Arlen Specter won second for deftly deadpanning every terrible joke you've ever heard. (Please, no, not the paraplegic-rings-the-doorbell one!) As it turned out, the Funniest Celebrity in Washington . . . was neither: Joseph Randazzo, assistant editor of the Onion. Who lives in N.Y.C. Funny, though. (Full disclosure: We helped judge.)

Across town at Southeastern University's gala, city leaders roasted the District with visions of life under statehood. Nat Gandhi: "Our state motto would be: 'D.C. -- the state that lobbyists built.' " Kwame Brown: "The statehouse is an enormous floating barge on the Anacostia." David Catania: "The state drug czar is . . . oh, no wait. We're not even touching this one."

HEY, ISN'T THAT . . . ?

* Jeff Foxworthy and Antonio Davis chaperoning 200 students at the Spy Museum yesterday. The comedian and former NBA star (both in dad-wear: jeans and polo shirts) led the group from the Greater Atlanta Christian School.

* Goldie Hawn dancing early yesterday at Eyebar nightclub. The star, here for a children's- advocacy conference, wore a sleeveless top and black pants, sat in the VIP area with several fancy-dressed pals who arrived after midnight, and ordered champagne and vodka.

* Johnny Fairplay, weaselly "Survivor" contestant turned perpetual D-lister-on-the-scene, yakking on a cell at Camelot strip club Wednesday. Was going on about suing Fox -- maybe because of his smack-down from Danny Bonaduce on the Fox Reality Really Awards?

* Paul Simon lunching Tuesday at Rasika. The singer, here to lobby for the children's health insurance bill, wore a baseball cap with suit-and-tie, but did take it off to eat.

LOVE, ETC.

* Custody Blues: Britney Spears lost her one-night-a-week visitation with her two sons. A judge ruled Wednesday that the pop star won't get to see the kids until she's complied with unspecified court-ordered directives; both she and Kevin Federline, who will appear in court next week, were ordered to remain sober when the children are present.