Pardon Me!

By Dana Milbank
Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The annual pardoning of the Thanksgiving turkey has gained new attention since President Bush allowed the administration's most famous almost jailbird, vice presidential aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, to fly the coop.

Members of the White House press corps strutted their stuff as they awaited Bush in the Rose Garden yesterday. Somebody said the two birds should be named "Scooter" and "Libby."

Another proposal: "Ramos" and "Compean" -- the two imprisoned border agents whose pardons CNN's Lou Dobbs fervently seeks.

Ken Herman of Cox News feared that Bush would ship the birds off to Gitmo, where they would be "water-basted." Another reporter, in an allusion to the president's low poll ratings, wondered whether there would be difficulty figuring out which one is the turkey.

But Bush played it straight. "They are 'May' and 'Flower,' " he dubbed the 45-pound tom turkeys.

How sweet. How tame.

Then he added a bit of presidential mischief. "They're certainly better than the names the vice president suggested, which was 'Lunch' and 'Dinner,' " Bush said, to appreciative laughter.

The best names, considering the birds' itinerary, may have been, to borrow Bush's old joke about his base, "Have" and "Have More." At a time when nearly 40 million Americans live in poverty, the wholesome ceremony for the annual turkey-pardoning has managed to turn into yet another display of American excess.

From the White House, the birds were driven in a police-escorted motorcade to Dulles Airport, where they were whisked to a private room in the United Airlines Red Carpet Club, before going to Gate C17 to board a United flight to Orlando, where they will be grand marshals of a Disney parade.

"They're going to Disney World!" announced the stickers on the turkeys' kennels.

According to their first-class boarding tickets, "Turkey One" received Seats 3B and 3C, while "Turkey Two" got 1A and 1B. The plane, flown by a chicken farmer and packed with actual paying customers in coach, was renamed "United Turkey One, Flight 6519."

It was, quite literally, first-class treatment, but the scene still ruffled feathers at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. The group sent Bush a letter asking him to send the birds not to Disney World but to a "credible farmed-animal sanctuary."

"Most of the turkeys pardoned in the past several years have died less than a year after the ceremony," PETA pleaded.

PETA has a point. Like Americans themselves, commercial turkeys are raised to be overweight; bred to have enormous breasts, they find it almost impossible to fly. And putting these creatures into cages and whisking them off to Florida on an Airbus A320 has all the hallmarks of a CIA operation.

On the other hand, it beats becoming deli meat to have the president invite you to the White House, pet you on the back a few times and send you off with a wish that you spend the rest of your days "in blissful gobbling."

Soon after their arrival at the White House, it became clear that the turkeys have something in common with the man who would pardon them: They enjoy napping. Those watching the slothful birds suspected sedatives. The breeders said the turkeys were raised with regular exposure to people, then selected for calmness and good behavior. Whatever the cause, May sat silently in the Rose Garden (Flower waited in the truck), his snood and wattle wiggling, voicing nothing louder than a soft chirp -- until the president got to the part in his speech about those in the military who "keep us safe."

"Gobble, gobble," May interrupted.

"We keep their families and their loved ones in our prayers and in our thoughts," Bush continued.

"Gobble, gobble," May repeated.

"Thank you," said Bush. Turning to the bird, he attempted to continue the dialogue. "America's children also have a special place in our thoughts during this season -- don't you agree?"

May was silent.

He was, perhaps, thinking of the long journey ahead of him.

With lights flashing, D.C. police on motorcycles led the turkey motorcade out to Dulles. United arranged for the birds to avoid the security line and got them a private bus to the C Terminal. There they napped in a private room, until a United employee reported a "ripe" smell in the room.

"Everybody poops," explained the Turkey One captain.

As the birds made their way to the gate on a baggage cart, the calm of the terminal was interrupted: "Are those turkeys?" "Oh, my goodness." "Can you say, 'Gobble gobble'?" "Oh, my God." "Where's the president?"

The president was back at the White House, preparing for a holiday of blissful gobbling.