The Guests Who Log On

Dear Miss Manners:

When we have company, my husband and I have been confounded on several occasions by people who, upon seeing a computer in our study, say they need to "log on" to check their e-mail.

Our study, and particularly our desk, has many personal and confidential papers within view of anyone sitting at the computer. Usually, we keep the desk as organized as possible and the door to the room closed.

But this has not deterred some people who ask for a tour of the house and who then squeal with delight at the sight of our computer. When I have told people that the desk is piled with personal papers, they just shrug it off and say "don't worry," they "won't look," or they become offended because I don't trust them.

Once, I caught a houseguest in the middle of the night at my desk, surfing the Internet because he "couldn't sleep." We were deluged with pornographic ads after that.

One relative, after reading his e-mail, began reading our e-mail and God knows what else. Short of locking the door, what would be the polite way to tell people they can't use our computer? Even if, as they say, it's "just for a minute"?

When it comes to the sort of people who read their hosts' mail and bring pornography into the house, the door that should be locked is the front door.

But in regard to polite guests, Miss Manners is afraid that the computer is taking the place that the telephone had before the widespread use of cellular ones. That is, guests should ask before using it, keep their use of it short, avoid incurring expenses or pay for those they do, and leave it in the same shape they found it. (That last was not a problem with telephones, but refers delicately to the nastiness of opening the computer to pornographers.)

But when they do ask, reasonable hosts allow them brief use.

And yes, that means cleaning up your desk, because even polite people find their eyes straying. It also means putting security on your data in the computer and establishing a guest sign-in. You cannot expect Miss Manners to know how to do this, but she has been assured that it can be done.

Dear Miss Manners:

I am a veteran and have been retired for some time. I'm proud of having served my country. I wear service-related items from time to time, such as a ball cap, and have service-oriented decals on my car.

In the past few years, complete strangers have come up to me and said, "Thank you for your service." I have just returned from a service unit reunion, where 150 of us gathered. Most of us wore our reunion badges, with name, rank and years of service. We were constantly approached by folks who thanked us individually, or as a group, for our services.

I don't know what to say in response to those kind words. I cannot say "It was a pleasure" or "At your pleasure" because it wasn't.

One woman approached me, thanked me, and then shared that she had three relatives currently in service in Afghanistan and Iraq.

I managed to tell her "It was an honor," which it was, and thanked her for the service of her family.

Can you suggest some better generic response, hopefully short and succinct?

You have put it beautifully, and Miss Manners knows better than to tamper with natural graciousness.

Dear Miss Manners:

I recently gave birth to a stillborn baby boy. My friends and co-workers have all been thoughtful and sympathetic; we have been sent flowers, plants, cards and meals. My problem is that I'm not sure how to phrase the thank-you cards to them. Somehow, "Thank you for the lovely plant and for your prayers" doesn't seem quite enough, yet I can't think of what else to add.

"They meant a great deal to me." Sometimes, Miss Manners assures you, the most conventional statements are both true and welcome.

Feeling incorrect? E-mail your etiquette questions to Miss Manners (who is distraught that she cannot reply personally) atMissManners@unitedmedia.comor mail to United Media, 200 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10016.

2007Judith Martin