ASK AMY

It is bad enough that I have to deprogram my 8-year-old daughter after every holiday and summer vacation that she spends in the company of my nieces and nephews. They are all poster children for the disrespectful and undisciplined.

Now I just found out that the oldest is pregnant. She has done this on purpose. Several of us had tried to get her on birth control, but she refused.

How am I to teach my daughter morals and to make good decisions when she is surrounded by all of this? I have tried to limit her visits, but these are the only cousins she has.

What can I do, and what should I do? Help! I can't hide this very much longer with my niece's expanding middle.

Torn

You convey your own morals in hundreds of little ways, each and every day, not with mega-deprogramming efforts.

You will stay ahead of this by acknowledging whatever is good about these other kids. Perhaps they're fun; maybe they're nice to your daughter. If you do this, you'll be demonstrating that you understand how appealing these cousins might be to her. You can also say, "I don't like the way Carly treats people. I'm glad that you understand how important it is to be respectful. I want to make sure that you never speak the way she does."

In terms of your niece's pregnancy, you should simply explain to your daughter that her cousin is going to have a baby. Ask your daughter what she thinks about that. She might be excited to have a new baby cousin, and that's understandable. Then you can express your views by saying, "It's really hard to take care of a baby, and moms and dads should be married and older before they have a baby. I want for her baby to grow up to be wonderful, smart and good -- just like you."

Write to Amy Dickinson ataskamy@tribune.comor Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.

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