ASK AMY

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Dear Amy:

This past summer I was sitting behind a woman in church when I noticed that she had a suspicious-looking mole on the back of her neck. The mole had telltale signs of early skin cancer. Skin cancer runs in my family, so I have educated myself in terms of identifying moles that look irregular.

Knowing that the mole was on a part of the body she wouldn't normally see, I pondered whether to say something to the woman. I decided to go ahead and tell her my observation at the end of service.

Amy, she was very offended. I tried to explain that I was only looking out for her well-being. Thankfully, she was just a visitor to our church, so I haven't seen her since.

Was I wrong in saying something?

MYOB or Not

I agree with your choice because this mole was located in an area that the woman seated in front of you wouldn't normally be able to see. (I would feel differently about a mole that was readily apparent to her with a glance in the mirror.)

Your intentions were good, and if she chose to follow up with her doctor, you might have made a long-term difference in her life and health. The fact that she was offended is the universe's way of showing you that no good deed goes unpunished.

I hope you did this privately and in a way that minimized her embarrassment. All the same, you can probably also understand her reaction to you; no one wants to think that her pew neighbor is scrutinizing the back of her neck, though sometimes when the sermon gets overly long, that's exactly what happens.

Dear Amy:

It is bad enough that I have to deprogram my 8-year-old daughter after every holiday and summer vacation that she spends in the company of my nieces and nephews. They are all poster children for the disrespectful and undisciplined.

Now I just found out that the oldest is pregnant. She has done this on purpose. Several of us had tried to get her on birth control, but she refused.

How am I to teach my daughter morals and to make good decisions when she is surrounded by all of this? I have tried to limit her visits, but these are the only cousins she has.

What can I do, and what should I do? Help! I can't hide this very much longer with my niece's expanding middle.

Torn

You convey your own morals in hundreds of little ways, each and every day, not with mega-deprogramming efforts.

You will stay ahead of this by acknowledging whatever is good about these other kids. Perhaps they're fun; maybe they're nice to your daughter. If you do this, you'll be demonstrating that you understand how appealing these cousins might be to her. You can also say, "I don't like the way Carly treats people. I'm glad that you understand how important it is to be respectful. I want to make sure that you never speak the way she does."

In terms of your niece's pregnancy, you should simply explain to your daughter that her cousin is going to have a baby. Ask your daughter what she thinks about that. She might be excited to have a new baby cousin, and that's understandable. Then you can express your views by saying, "It's really hard to take care of a baby, and moms and dads should be married and older before they have a baby. I want for her baby to grow up to be wonderful, smart and good -- just like you."

Write to Amy Dickinson ataskamy@tribune.comor Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.

2007by the Chicago Tribune Distributed by Tribune Media Services