Ho-Ho-Hokey: 'Grandpa' Tugs At Well-Worn Heartstrings

Comes now the deluge -- another season of mercilessly merry holiday specials. Prepare once more to believe in miracles, or at least the fakey, hokey, Hollywood kind. Actually, there is something mildly miraculous about "A Grandpa for Christmas," which premieres tonight at 9 on the hyper-wholesome Hallmark Channel: Amazingly enough, it tells us, Ernest Borgnine is still alive.

And more power to him. Mere weeks short of 91, and definitely heavier than doctors warn fat guys (whatever their age) they ought to be, Borgnine cranks irresistible ingratiation up to the bursting point with his ho-ho-wholesome portrayal of crusty but lovable Bert O'Riley, a retired widower who is called upon to care for a granddaughter he never knew he had. At first, of course, he balks at the notion, but then he warms up to it, and then before you know it, he learns to love the kid and the fact that he has a role in her life.

We can presume that at least some of the following titles were originally considered for the film: "A Christmas for Grandpa," "Grandpa's Christmas Miracle," "A Miracle for Grandpa's Christmas," "Charlie Brown's Grandpa's Christmas" (copyright problems with that one), "Once Upon a Grandpa," "Once Upon a Miracle" and "Oh, That Grandpa." Even the least experienced TV viewers will be able to track Gramps's progress in advance and call the plays, as it were, that will transform him from Scroogey McGrouch to lovable old dear.

Borgnine isn't the only ghost of Christmas Past haunting the film. Not, perhaps, since "The Love Boat" have so many vaporous figures materialized from the mists of yesteryear: Katherine Helmond ("Who's the Boss?") as Grandpa's showbiz friend Roxie; Richard Libertini (innumerable shows and series) as Grandpa's chess partner Karl Sugarman; and Jamie Farr ("M*A*S*H"), now white-haired, as yet another cheerful chum, Adam.

They're all one big family, but not a particularly happy one until Little Miss Sunshine bursts into their routinized lives. Becca, who is supposed to be 10 but looks older, is played without much pizazz by Juliette Goglia, one of those kids who can belt out a Broadway tune that rattles the rafters and who undoubtedly has, or will, star in "Annie" at some point in her career. Only when she's singing, in fact, does her performance have much oomph to it.

The script by David Alexander is doggedly unimaginative, as if Alexander was being careful not to violate any of the rules of the genre. His insights into the "text me" generation are minimal, consisting mainly of having Becca use such expressions as "that was awesome" and "everything is way cool." Tracy Nelson plays Becca's sourpuss of a mother -- Bert's daughter -- who spends much of the film in a hospital bed, recuperating from an accident. She never told Bert about Becca because she was, oh, bitter or something; there's been no contact between them for the past 12 years.

It's hard to think of any holiday happiness elements that aren't dutifully included in the film, among them the seminal Tender Moment between grumpy Gramps and resistant tot. A Christmas thunderstorm is booming outside Grandpa's house, and when he goes to Becca's room to check on her, he finds the child huddled fearfully in a corner, even though up to this point, the script and Goglia's performance have suggested the kid could wrestle alligators for a living and earn a tidy sum. Anyway, now she's scared, so the old man comforts her with a chorus of "All Through the Night" -- the old Welsh folk-song version, not the Cole Porter ballad of later years.

Director Harvey Frost could have earned some genuine tears out of this interlude, were he not so stubbornly prosaic. He is the directorial equivalent of a clodhopper. When Becca goes into a dance routine, Frost cuts from an full-length shot of the kid to a shot of her legs (or the legs of a stunt dancer) and back again. Clunk, clunk. It's appallingly lame.

Grandpa's back story is a little like Borgnine's. A showbiz veteran, Bert always wanted to be the romantic leading man, but, as Becca later explains it, Bert was "too ugly" and so had to settle for character parts. It comes to be that Grandpa is called upon to supervise a musical stage show in which allegedly adorable Becca will have a prominent part.

But will daughter Marie recover sufficiently from her injuries to attend the show in person and witness her daughter's performance? "Well," says Grandpa, "all we have to do is wait for the phone call." Rrrrring!!!! No kidding; it's that quick. All this miraculousness has cured Gramps of his aversion to the holidays, and before another phone can ring, he's holding a tree-trimming party and joining in choruses of "Deck the Halls," "O Christmas Tree" and other seasonal ditties that are in the public domain and therefore can be performed without paying anybody anything.

Gosh -- another Christmas miracle.

However sugary and docile Borgnine's performance, and despite the staggering simplistics of the script, "A Grandpa for Christmas" isn't the worst holiday special ever. There will be much treaclier treacle in the nights to come, as show after show and commercial after commercial entreat us to overflow with the holiday spirit and worship at the shopping mall of our choice.

A Grandpa for Christmas (two hours) premieres tonight at 9 on the Hallmark Channel.