Ratings Challenged

No one can really tell you who is No. 1 or No. 2 or No. 22; we're talking about teams in different parts of a very large country, facing vastly dissimilar schedules. It's like trying to figure out if Russell Crowe or Keanu Reeves is a better actor -- well, maybe that's a bad example -- but how do you compare two guys who play different roles in dissimilar films and never work with the same gaffers?

(Heisman Update: Otherworldly Colt Brennan completed 40 of 53 passes for 495 yards and five touchdowns on national TV -- and by that, I mean ESPN2, not Versus -- against very-ranked Boise State. He is the Player of Destiny, my friends. What else does he have to do to prove himself, navigate the length of the Mississippi in a gondola?) Being undefeated is no guarantee of being in the national championship game; heck, it's no guarantee of even earning a BCS berth.

Speaking of which, the BCS says it might not have enough eligible teams for its five bowl games, which means it either has to expand the pool of schools eligible for at-large bids or have Ohio State play itself in Pasadena. Actually, I just think they're trying to slide Notre Dame into the Fiesta Bowl.

Uh, so what type of system is this?

As you may recall, the BCS standings include three components: The USA Today coaches poll, the Harris Interactive poll and an average of six computer rankings. It is an imperfect system dependent on petulant people, somewhat reminiscent of the Ottoman Empire.

I have no faith in humans -- in this case, coaches and sportswriters -- who are proven to be unreliable; if you don't believe me, just graze upon any documentary on the History Channel, or C-SPAN.

And who can trust a computer, or don't you all remember the HAL 9000 in "2001: A Space Odyssey"?

Computers are good for two things -- Tetris and Minesweeper.

Computers? Computers? Please. I'll tell you how treacherous they are: A computer dating service led to my first marriage.

Besides, on any given day, a computer could have a virus, and the next thing you know, Florida International is ranked No. 4 in the nation.

And I don't need a Dell or a Mac to tell me that the Hawaii Warriors -- unbeaten and unbending -- are the best team on the mainland, or wherever. Isn't Colt Brennan their quarterback?