ESPN Botches Taylor Coverage

Cliché Corner

Every time I hear a broadcaster yap about a football team not executing properly, I can't help but recall the response from the late John McKay, the head coach of the woeful Tampa Bay Buccaneers back in the mid-1970s, when he was asked in a postgame press conference what he thought about the execution of his team's offensive line that day.

Without a moment's hesitation, McKay, who coached the NFL's last winless team in 1976, smiled, shook his head yes and said, "I'm all for it."

After a four-day turkey weekend binge of watching college and pro football seemingly morning, noon and night, "execution" seems a tad over the top for so many broadcasters who keep mangling the language and falling back on cliché after cliché in their commentary. Time to threaten fifty lashes with a wet noodle for anyone caught using the following expressions -- all of them uttered live to a national audience this past week, and most other weeks -- the next time they're behind a football microphone.

1. "Are You Kidding Me?" I must have heard this at least four different times in four different games following a nice catch, a critical fumble, a botched call by a referee. I mean who's kidding who here? No one's kidding anyone. Just call the play, give me a "wow," a "holy cow" or even a Dick Enberg "oh my!" But enough with the "are you kidding me" response. I'm sick of it, and I kid you not.
2. "What appears to be a first down." The NFL Network's Bryant Gumbel constantly hedged his calls on first downs last Thursday night, even though that computerized yellow first down marker -- arguably the greatest technological innovation for televised football this century -- left no doubt that it really was a first down. One could argue that the play might be called back because of a penalty, but Gumbel doesn't need to say "appears to be" every single time, often using it on touchdown calls, completed passes and even penalties. If he simply says "first down," honestly we'll forgive him if it gets called back, or is reversed later on by replay.
3. "Warrior." No, they're not warriors, and they're not heroes. They're football players, or athletes, behemoths, hosses, stars, studs or even stiffs. But "warrior" and "hero" are sacred words reserved at the moment for the men and women in combat boots, flak jackets and helmets fighting real wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. And while we're at it, at the moment, it's inappropriate to be talking about football in terms of war, battles, courage, passes thrown like guided missiles or even deep bombs. (And by the way, did anyone hear Alabama Coach Nick Saban equate his struggling team's recent losing streak to cataclysmic events in world history like Pearl Harbor and 9/11? Are you kidding me? Oops.)
4. "Young rookie." Well of course he's young. He's a rookie. Rookies are young, that's why they're rookies. Duh.
5. "He's gonna play on Sunday next year." This is most often used by Brent "You're looking live at Soldier Field" Musburger, who nevertheless will always remain on my short list of all-time great sports broadcasters. But why not just say a talented college football player has a good chance to play in the NFL next year, or when his eligibility runs out. And by the way, the league also has games on Thursday, Saturday and Monday.
6. "He's a future Hall of Famer." How many times was that expression used when Art Monk was in the prime of his career? He still may be a future Hall of Famer (I'm actually hoping this is finally the year), but he's not there yet and there's no guarantee he ever will be. I kept hearing during Giants' games last year that Tiki Barber was a "future Hall of Famer." I don't think so. Big difference between Hall of Fame and Hall of Great.
7. "That pass was thrown like" a, a rope; b, a clothesline; c, a laser; or d, a rocket. Can't we come up with e, none of the above, and just say the ball was thrown with extreme velocity? However, I still love the expression and the image of a wobbly "wounded duck" pass, sort of like the one Billy Kilmer once tried to throw at my head during a Redskins practice back in the 1970s. I wrote in the paper the next day that it was a typical Kilmer throw -- high, wobbly and badly off target. But we digress.
8. "He needs to get more air under the ball." Not really. A quarterback really just needs to throw the ball a little higher, or with a bit more touch, or more loft. No more air balls, please.
9. "He's a gunslinger." Again with the war and gun image in a term most often associated these days in the NFL with Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre. But he's just a player (and yes, he really is a future first-ballot Hall of Famer) who happens to take more chances and throw into more double coverage than most of his playing peers. Last time we looked, he's never had a pair of Colt 45s strapped to his belt when he takes the field, and the end zone is not exactly the OK Corral.