In the Driver's Seat on the Finale of 'Dancing'

Yet another guy wins the Cheesetastic Disco Ball Trophy, sending The Women Who Cover Television into an ecstasy of outrage; nearly 25 million people watch, sending ABC to its best Tuesday in 7 1/2 years; another promising relationship is destroyed; and veteran journalist Barbara Walters is played for a fool by "Extra," "Access Hollywood" and "TMZ.com."

Was this the best "Dancing With the Stars" finale ever, or what?

Brazilian race car driver Helio Castroneves and his teenage professional dance partner/hottie Julianne Hough zoomed past media fave Mel B. to claim the win on the fifth edition of ABC's hit dance competition, despite trailing Mel B. by one point after the judges issued their final scores.

This means, of course, that the show's heavily female, somewhat older audience had phoned and texted in more votes for Helio than for Mel B., a.k.a. Scary Spice. So if you, too, think Mel B. got shafted, go complain to your mother.

Sadly, a chick C-lister has never won this competition. True, ABC soap star Kelly Monaco won the very first round of "Dancing," but when the Mostly Male Reporters Who Cover Television attacked ABC's programming chief over what they believed to have been a fixed outcome, ABC staged a dance-off, over the protestations of Monaco, and crowd fave John O'Hurley was declared winner, sort of.

Of course, you and I know the guy C-listers keep winning because, as in so many other instances in life, the women really carry this competition -- the men are around mostly to do the lifting -- giving the couples with a female professional dancer a definite edge. Anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Mel B.'s pro dance partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy, seems to subscribe to this theory, too, telling "Extra" he might chuck the show after this edition. "If this is the limit of where I can get in a show, then let it be. I'm satisfied and moving on," he said.

Back to the finale:

"This is an extraordinary moment right now," exclaimed Helio, dressed in a Banana Suit left over from ABC-parent Disney's '90s flick "Dick Tracy," as he was handed the Cheesetastic Disco Ball Trophy. He said he would put it on a shelf right between the two Indy 500 trophies he's won in his other career.

Speaking of cheesetastic, Celine Dion appeared in Tuesday's finale, apropos of nothing, to sing that "Titanic" tune and remind us that we will never ever be safe from Celine Dion singing that "Titanic" tune. Let that be a lesson to you all.

But mostly, the finale was the usual rich melange of commercials, treacly recaps and repeat performances by booted C-list competitors and their dance partners, except for those who were not allowed to dance again owing to their degree of decrepitude (Wayne Newton), or not wanting to risk twisting an ankle before the upcoming "big fight" (Floyd Mayweather, which made him look like a total girl, though maybe that was the red velvet vest and pink shirt).

Because "Dancing" is an ABC star, Helio and Julianne had to run the ABC infotainment show gantlet the next morning.