The Gift That Keeps On Giving

By Al Kamen
Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The Nintendo Wii is hot this holiday season. So are those beautiful iPhones. Anything Hannah Montana is essential for daughters 8 to 12.

But we know you're looking for something truly unique for your spouse. Something the awful Joneses down the block don't have and can't buy. Something that's useful and also shows that you are truly in.

Got just the thing! Yes, it's the new, better-than-ever National Counterterrorism Center's 2008 weekly planner, out just in time for Christmas.

Where else can you discover that nine years ago today, on Dec. 19, Libyan-trained Abu Sayyaf Group leader Abdurajak Abubakar Janjalani died in a gunfight with Philippine authorities on Basilan island? Or that it's 20 Dhu al-Hijjah in the Arabic calendar?

Or let's say it's July 30, and you spot a tall, thin, bearded guy eating chocolate cake with candles on it while schlepping around a dialysis machine. Your NCTC planner will tell you that it's Osama bin Laden's birthday, and you can collect a cool $27 million "for information leading directly to [his] apprehension and/or conviction."

Just call the FBI or the nearest embassy. Telephone and e-mail options are provided.

Bin Laden, in years past, had been listed as likely to be in Afghanistan and, more recently, Pakistan. This year's calendar -- which says he has somehow maintained his girlish 160-pound figure all these years -- has him "in the wind," as the spooks say, with no location mentioned.

Early this year, there were reports that Fazul Abdullah Mohammed, wanted for the bombings of U.S. embassies in Africa in 1998, might have been killed by U.S. airstrikes in Somalia. Apparently not, because the State Department's Rewards for Justice Program still has a $5 million price tag on his head.

The calendar's most-wanted group includes many of our favorites from years past, most with a $5 million bounty. Our longtime favorite, Faker Ben Abdelazziz Boussora, a Canadian, still has those "prominently protruding ears and is believed to have a serious pituitary gland illness."

One newcomer in 2008 is Ramadan Abdullah Shallah, secretary general of the Damascus-based Islamic Jihad, which the State Department lists as a terrorist group. The 2008 planner has more realistic color photos of Shallah and many of the most-wanted, including Taliban chief Mullah Omar, which should help sightings.

For example, there are three candid photos of Jaber Elbaneh of that famed terrorist cell in Lackawanna, N.Y.

The left-hand page has the customary helpful information about terrorist groups, safety tips for chemical and biological weapons, and safe distances from various types of explosives. (You'll want to be at least 500 yards from the typical car bomb, we're advised.) So you think that runny nose and shortness of breath are just a cold? Maybe. Or maybe you've got symptoms of exposure to VX, a deadly nerve gas, the planner says. If you start to twitch, pull out your atropine syringe or high-tail it to your doctor. But it might only be anthrax.

Other new features include a page that rebuts such notions as poverty breeds terrorists. Not so. Another myth is that you can spot a radical because of certain "signs," such as a beard, beady eyes, a crazed expression or manic behavior. (In fact, it could be just a reporter on deadline.) The NCTC notes that this year's splendid edition is "the largest since the calendar first appeared in a daily planner format in 2003." (It began in the '90s as a wall calendar put out by the CIA with no mention of a publisher. The NCTC started publishing it in 2005.) The calendars are popular gifts for anti-terrorism officials in other countries and are highly prized as Christmas gifts within the counterterrorism community, we are told. "People are begging for this thing," a source said. And this year's -- with maybe 40,000 in print, up substantially from last year's output -- is exceptional.

But forget Wal-Mart or Target. There are no operators standing by to take your call. These calendars are available only to folks inside the anti-terrorism community. As always, in this town, it's who you know.

Frame the Original

The American Bar Association's ABA Journal, which last week named former attorney general Alberto "Fredo" Gonzales as "Lawyer of the Year", has come under such withering criticism that it is switching the title to "Newsmaker of the Year."

The article defined Lawyer of the Year as "the year's biggest legal newsmaker," an online editor's note now says, "identifying former U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales as the major newsmaker of 2007. The Journal regrets that we did not make this theme clear."

"So that there can be no confusion, the term 'Lawyers of the Year' has been changed in the headline and story to 'Newsmakers of the Year.' The story is otherwise unchanged from its original version."

Maliki's No-Show

And now, an answer to why Iraq didn't attend that groundbreaking Annapolis peace conference last month. It's not simply that the Iraqis were invited but that they "chose not to come," as the State Department observed at the time.

" President Bush personally asked Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki to send a representative," ABC News national security correspondent Jonathan Karl says in the Weekly Standard's Dec. 24 issue, adding that senior administration officials "lobbied hard."

Iraq's foreign minister wanted to go, but Maliki couldn't decide. Finally, on the day of the conference, Maliki "convened a secret cabinet meeting" to vote on the matter, and a majority voted against attending, Karl writes, with a senior official saying the vote "wasn't even close."

Maliki had the dilemma of either skipping Annapolis and offending Washington, or going and offending Iran. He chose to offend the United States.

Asked to comment on Karl's piece, a White House spokesman e-mailed: "We're disappointed they did not send a representative to the Annapolis conference."

And now we also have an answer as to why Maliki's photo isn't hanging in the State Department photo gallery that pays homage to Bush's diplomatic achievements.

Lawmaker On Board

Looking for work? Know how to drive a car? We've got a job for you driving a "Senior Democratic" senator around town. An ad last week in Roll Call says you have to provide an "appropriate" car -- no 10-year-old Honda Civics, please -- be an "impeccable" driver and have "a natural discretion." As opposed to a professional discretion?

You'll also have to have "strong oral and written communication abilities." Maybe you'll pass notes back and forth while you're driving. And you'll need to be able to "follow through while working in a high pressure environment." That must mean driving on the Beltway during rush hour?

Bernie Kerik might be available.

Any idea which esteemed member of Congress placed this ad? Please let us know.