The Wrap Artist

This guy is the whole package

Below the Beltway

The average man does not like to wrap holiday presents. He sees no need for it, has no facility for it and resents the whole prettified idea of it. But he does it because his culture demands it, and, by "his culture," I mean "his wife." In my experience, women eye an unwrapped present with a sort of icy skepticism, like maybe you stole it.

My point is that, even though the whole gift-wrapping thing is alien to guys, they cave in. In so doing, I contend, they become just a little . . . feminized. I mean, why stop there? Why not just wear a poodle skirt and do pirouettes?

I wrap Christmas gifts, but I do it My Way. It's a system I developed two decades ago.

It allows one to grudgingly fulfill the essential responsibility of gift-wrapping without surrendering one's essential maleness. I'm sharing it today, as a Christmas gift for the gender-insecure husbands of America.

(Note to single men: Avoid this entire arena. The purchase of Christmas gifts for women is an enterprise best handled by the married. Married guys have been properly trained in gift selection through a painful, years-long process of punishment and reward. Without this knowledge, you are doomed. The safest advice for what to give that special lady in your life: an envelope of cash.)

Weingarten's Gift-Wrapping Guide for Married Men

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(1) Obtain wrapping paper. By "obtain," I mean ask your wife for some. All women maintain vast caches of wrapping paper. They hoard-buy it the way people hoard-buy toilet paper before a hurricane. I think the theory is that if one year Christmas unexpectedly arrives on August 11, they'll be ready.

(2) Assemble on a table all the tools you will need. These are: (a) the wrapping paper; (b) the gifts to be wrapped; (c) a Sharpie; and (d) more than 400 feet of some sort of adhesive-backed tape. Scotch tape is best, but you can go with strapping tape, electrical tape, duct tape, weatherproofing tape or, in a pinch, Band-Aids. The only other tool you will need is a watch or clock with a second hand. This is essential because (here is the key to the entire process) no gift, whatever its size or dimensions, should take more than 15 seconds to wrap.

(3) Observe the gift. Make a mental note of its size. Tear off a piece of wrapping paper about 12 times that size. (Never use scissors. They just slow you down.) Place the wrapping paper flat on the table, beneath the gift. Ideally, the side with the colorful design should be facing away from the gift, but if you screwed up on this, just keep going. It's not important enough to lose valuable time by starting over.

(4) Pull the sides of the wrapping paper up around the gift, and flatten it against the top as best you can. Mash it together into a bulbous mass, and secure it with as much tape as necessary. You can never use too much tape.

(5) Perform quality control. Are there any parts of the gift still exposed? Has a sharp corner ripped a hole in the paper? In either case, rip off more wrapping paper, cover the exposed portion, and tape. For this patch, a conflicting pattern of wrapping paper, or even newsprint, is fine.

(6) If this is a gift for a female, you may want to add an ornamental flourish. Ribbons take too much time, but it's possible to replicate a bow. You need to inventory your immediate vicinity for some ornamental item or, if that is unavailable, whatever is handy. Last year, my daughter received from her dad a beautiful hand-carved cutting board. Onto the wrapping paper had been taped an empty pill bottle for arthritis medication.

(7) Special instructions for very large items: These are best presented in 33-gallon Hefty brand garbage bags with the decorative yellow twist ties.

(8) If you have completed this process correctly, your wrapped gift will resemble an enormous spitball. Now you are ready for your final maneuver: the designation of recipient. With your Sharpie, scrawl the name of the recipient directly onto the wrapping paper. If the name is more than four letters long, use initials or a role designation, e.g. "Son" or "Wife" or "Dog."

It is not necessary to write down who gave the gift.

Gene Weingarten can be reached at weingarten@washpost.com.

Chat with him online Tuesdays at noon.