An Inconvenient Year

So, they did okay. But, for the rest of us, it was another bad year. And as is so often true of bad years, it began with . . .

{JANUARY}

. . . when Democrats, having won the November election, take control of both houses of Congress with surprisingly little loss of life. In the House of Representatives, incoming Speaker Nancy Pelosi pledges "a new era of bipartisan cooperation," then brings the gavel down on the head of outgoing Speaker Dennis Hastert.

Upon taking power, the Democrats, who campaigned vigorously against the war in Iraq, and who hailed their victory as a clear voter mandate to get the troops out of Iraq, immediately get down to the business of being careful to not do anything that might actually result in the removal of troops from Iraq, in case that might turn out to be a bad idea. This is fine with President Bush, who calls for a "troop surge," based on his understanding of the comprehensive Iraq Study Group report, as interpreted for him by aides equipped with 20,000 GI Joe action figures.

As the debate over Iraq intensifies, the eyes of a worried nation turn to another trouble spot: New York City, where Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell are locked in a bitter high-stakes battle to determine who is the bigger horse's ass. After meeting with both sides, a visibly shaken Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice reports that Trump's hair "is exactly the same color as a Cheez-It." While the White House ponders its options, congressional Democrats vow to strongly oppose whatever action the president decides to take while at the same time voting to fund it.

On the homeland security front, the U.S. government begins requiring people arriving in the United States by air from Mexico or Canada to present passports, fueling speculation that Canada is a foreign country. The government notes that the passport requirement "does not apply to people sneaking in by land."

The slump in home sales continues into the new year, with a nationwide total of one home sold in January. In many cities, gangs of real estate agents ¿ sometimes wearing "colors" in the form of canary-yellow jackets ¿ roam the streets, surrounding their victims and extracting money from them in forcible "closings."

In sports, a Los Angeles team signs glamorous British soccer star David Beckham to a $250 million contract. This raises eyebrows, both because of the amount of money, and because the team is the Dodgers. But Beckham's glamorous presence quickly boosts ticket sales; within days, the Lakers sign Angelina Jolie.

Sports remains in the news in . . .

{FEBRUARY}

. . . when South Florida hosts Super Bowl Roman Numeral. Concern over terrorism security is extremely tight, particularly outside South Beach nightclubs, where large bouncers refuse to let any terrorists inside unless they are really hot. After what feels like three months of pregame festivities, an actual game is played, pitting the Chicago Bears against the Indianapolis Peyton Mannings. What begins as a close contest is broken wide open in the third quarter when the Bears defense is unable to stop a 1993 Buick LeSabre driven by 87-year-old North Miami Beach resident Winifred Bingleman, who took a wrong turn on her way to mah-jongg. She is immediately signed by the Miami Dolphins.

In other February action, Democrats in the House of Representatives, after a large amount of talking, pass a nonbinding resolution sternly ordering President Bush to get out of Iraq, unless, of course, he chooses not to. Over in the Senate, Democrats try to pass a nonbinding resolution that would not bind the president to the same course of action that the House resolution did not bind him to. But that one fails, leaving the president, according to political observers, somewhat less nonbound than he might otherwise have been. Everyone agrees it has been a busy, busy time in Washington.

Abroad, the six-party talks in Beijing conclude on an optimistic note as North Korea's leader, Insane Lunatic Liar II, announces that his country will dismantle its nuclear weapons program just as soon as it receives the nuclear dismantler that it ordered on eBay. All six parties agree that this sounds reasonable; they resume partying. On a more ominous nuclear note, President Bush warns Iran that it is, quote, "awfully close to Iraq, if you look at a map, which I have." In another increasingly tense international arena, the U.N. Security Council sends 1,000 peacekeeping troops to New York City in an effort to quell Rosie O'Donnell, who repels them by shouting.

But the big news in February is the death and subsequent wacky adventures of Anna Nicole Smith, whose body remains in a refrigerator in the medical examiner's office while her infant child is embroiled in a paternity dispute that eventually comes to involve pretty much every adult male resident of the United States except Richard Simmons. The news media cover this story with their usual taste and restraint, keeping the public informed of important developments via such journalistic innovations as the Refrigerator Cam; Greta Van Susteren jets to Aruba in case there is a Natalee Holloway link. The dramatic finale takes place in a Florida courtroom presided over by Judge Weeping Twit, who, in a display of Solomonic wisdom, rules that everyone involved will get a TV show.