An Inconvenient Year

Another important February story getting huge media coverage is the Revenge of the Scary Astronaut Diaper Woman, which concerns astronaut Lisa Nowak, who, after allegedly driving nonstop from Houston to the Orlando airport, is arrested and charged with the attempted murder of a woman whom she viewed as a rival for a male astronaut who no doubt wishes he had just stayed up there in space. According to police, Nowak's car contained latex gloves, a black wig, a BB pistol, a knife, pepper spray and -- most disturbing of all -- a 55-gallon drum filled with Tang.

In other aviation news, JetBlue has a public relations disaster when 10 of its flights are stranded on runways for so long that they are enveloped by glaciers. Fortunately, all the passengers manage to survive, in some cases by eating their carry-on luggage. This fiasco prompts the FAA to fine JetBlue for violating strict federal regulations against allowing passengers to have anything edible in coach class.

At the Academy Awards, Martin Scorsese finally breaks his long drought, winning a best-picture Oscar for his film "Give Me an Oscar, or This Time I Swear I Will Kill Myself."

Speaking of drama, in . . .

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. . . the riveting trial of Scooter "Scooter" Libby, former chief of staff to Vice President Cheney, concludes, with Scooter being convicted on federal charges of being guilty of something having to do with Nigeria and somebody named Valerie, but we are darned if we can remember what, although we certainly hope Scooter has learned his lesson.

In other scandal news, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, gets into hot water when congressional Demo-crats allege that his name can be rearranged to spell "Re-Label Zoo Gnats" and "Gala Lobster Zone." President Bush calls Gonzales "a person in which I have the utmost whaddyacallit" and pledges to "stand behind him 100 percent for the time being."

Speaking of time: Americans attempt to adjust to a new daylight saving time law, which Congress passed because it apparently felt that the old law was not annoying and confusing enough. The new law produces immediate economic benefits in the form of an estimated $175 billion paid by corporations and individuals to fix the computers, PDAs, phone systems, etc. that were screwed up by the time change. Of course, none of this affects Congress, which has exempted itself from the new law and continues to operate by sundial.

On a somber note, Anna Nicole Smith is finally laid to rest in the Bahamas in an intimate funeral service attended only by family, close friends, acquaintances, total strangers, tourists and an estimated 750 cable-TV legal analysts, several of whom have to be forcibly removed from the casket as they attempt to commit one final act of legal analysis.

Speaking of bad taste, in . . .

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. . . the broadcasting industry is shocked, shocked, when radio personality Don Imus, who has spent several decades making and chuckling at crude racist statements, makes a crude racist statement about the Rutgers women's basketball team. The revs. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are deeply offended and immediately set about the difficult but necessary work of drawing still more attention to themselves. Before it is over, everybody involved will be wealthier, except, of course, the members of the Rutgers women's basketball team.

In politics, the burgeoning Alberto Gonzales scandal -- rapidly becoming the most riveting scandal to rivet Washington since the "Scooter" Libby scandal -- burgeons still further when congressional Democrats charge that Gonzales's name can also be rearranged to spell "A Stern Legal Bozo" and "Snot Blaze Galore." President Bush defends his beleaguered attorney general, accusing the Democrats of "a new low in beleaguering" and stating that he has "no intention whatsoever of replacing Mr. Gonzales with anybody else, such as Michael Mukasey, if he is available."

Speaking of beleaguered: Rosie O'Donnell announces that she will leave the TV show "The View" to pursue a career making bizarre statements on the Internet. Although O'Donnell claims her departure is amicable, insiders say she tried to oust Barbara Walters as the show's producer, a move that Walters was able to repel by blasting the outspoken comedienne with 150,000 cubic feet of hairspray, which for Barbara is nearly a two-day supply.