An Inconvenient Year

In other show business news, the surprise contestant on "American Idol" is llama-hairstyled Sanjaya Malakar, who, with the support of millions of viewers, all apparently deaf, manages to reach the late rounds of the competition before being eliminated by a blowgun dart from Simon Cowell.

Another surprise hit in April -- in fact, the No. 1 recording, played relentlessly for days by every radio and TV station in the country -- is "Alec Baldwin Talks to His 11-Year-Old Daughter the Way Tony Soprano Talks to Somebody Whose Legs He Is About to Drive Over in His Chevrolet Suburban."

Speaking of strong action, in . . .

{MAY}

. . . Democrats in Congress -- continuing to implement their policy of being passionately against the war while avoiding doing anything that might get them blamed for stopping the war -- vote to continue funding the war, but boldly enter many snippy remarks about it into the congressional record. President Bush receives this devastating news stoically, then goes ahead and makes his putt.

Meanwhile, the Senate, after months of secret negotiations, releases its comprehensive immigration reform plan, under which immigrants would earn points toward becoming U.S. citizens by having basic citizenship skills such as being able to do the Electric Slide and place an order at Starbucks. To placate conservatives, the plan also calls for a 300-mile fence to be constructed around Rosie O'Donnell.

In presidential politics, Florida -- continuing its proud tradition of screwing up elections -- announces that it will move its primary up to January 29. This infuriates Iowa and New Hampshire, which want to be first because otherwise no sane person would ever go to either state in the winter. So New Hampshire moves its primary to early January, and Iowa moves its caucus to even earlier in January. Soon the other states, not wanting to be left out, start moving up their elections; before the frenzy is over, Nebraska has officially declared that its 2008 primary election will take place in 1973. Of course, normal American voters pay no attention to any of this, which is why they are always the last ones to find out who their presidential choices will be.

Abroad, the French presidential election, in what political analysts see as a break with recent trends, is won by John Kerry.

As May draws to a close and the Atlantic hurricane season looms, weather experts, having reviewed all their data and their sophisticated computer models, announce that they have absolutely no clue what is going to happen.

Ha-ha! We are, of course, kidding. The experts confidently predict that we are going to have a worse-than-usual hurricane season. This is also what they confidently predicted last year, which as you may recall was an unusually quiet season. It is only a matter of time before these experts are hired by the Miami Dolphins.

In sports, the Indianapolis 500 is won by Britney Spears in a car equipped with two infants but no car seats.

Speaking of outstanding drivers, in . . .

{JUNE}

. . . the nation is riveted by the drama of Paris Hilton, who, after a string of motor vehicle violations, including driving with a suspended license, driving at excessive speed through a nightclub, driving over the young of an endangered species and driving with the brain functionality of a cabbage, is ordered to go to jail, then is released from jail and then -- in what many observers see as an unfair punishment, based solely on resentment of her celebrity status -- is burned at the stake.