Alley Cats

To which I say: Lay off him, you pinheads.

The biggest complaint about Stone? He doesn't know the game. Oh, please. Some bowlers believe you shouldn't be able to talk about bowling unless you were born in the back seat of Earl Anthony's Buick. But bowling probably has a quicker learning curve than, say, biomedical engineering. And, if by no other means, Stone can pick up bowling tidbits by simply following Randy Pedersen into the pro shop.

Stone is playful, enthusiastic and interested; he brings energy to the telecasts without trampling over them. He's even invented a new term, for four straight strikes -- a hambone.

I think he'll figure out what the ball returner does by the end of the season.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Celine Dion ended her five-year run at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. What, it didn't pay enough? (Wally Hall; Columbia, S.C.)

A. She's lost a little pep in her step, the team around her is aging and, frankly, she has no desire to stick around just to try and break Brett Favre's consecutive-starts streak.

Q. Dick Vitale literally cannot speak for three weeks -- how did you do it? (Lori Packard; Rockford, Ill.)

A. First of all, Vitale had throat surgery, and we wish him a full recovery. Second of all, when he regains his voice, I'm sure he'll make up for lost time.

Q. I see where Chris Evert is engaged to Greg Norman, an Australian. Since she was previously married to an Englishman and an American, might she one day marry a Frenchman so she can complete the career Grand Slam? (Stuart Fischer; Rockville)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. Do you think George J. Mitchell got that big naturally? (Roger Minor; Houston)

A. Ring this fella up, too.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!