The Candidates and The Late-Night Returns

9. No rollbacks in health benefits, so I can treat the hypothermia I caught on the picket lines.

8. Full salary and benefits for my imaginary writing partner, Lester.

7. Members of the AMPTP must explain what the hell AMPTP stands for.

6. No disciplinary action taken against any writer caught having inappropriate relationship with a copier.

5. I'd like a date with a woman.

4. Hazard pay for breaking up fights on "The View."

3. I'm no accountant, but instead of us getting 4 cents for a $20 DVD, how about we get $20 for a 4-cent DVD?

2. I don't have a joke -- I just want to remind everyone that we're on strike, so none of us are responsible for this lame list.

1. Producers must immediately remove their heads from their [heinies].

Now, aren't you grateful his writers are back?

Those who didn't have writers to pen such gems muddled through as best they could.

O'Brien talked about his strike beard. Like Letterman, he has not shaved since the strike started two months ago.

He also talked about the work stoppage:

"This has been a tough time, not only for our show but for a lot of people in the entertainment industry," O'Brien told his audience at the top of his show.

"Good people right now are out of work. And possibly worse, with all the late-night shows off the air, Americans have been forced to read books and occasionally even speak to one another, which is horrifying. My biggest wish is that [writers] get a great deal very quickly and get back here because we desperately need them on the show. Think about it: Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, the Masturbating Bear, the Walker Texas Ranger Lever -- it's all writing. Well, not the Masturbating Bear. That's just instinct."