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Naming Protocol for Madam President's Spouse

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Dear Miss Manners:

A novel I once read imagined a woman winning the U.S. presidency. Her husband was referred to as the first husband.

Aside from the fact that it seems that the masculine equivalent of the first lady should be the first gentleman, would it not seem reasonable to Miss Manners that a female president could have a first lady?

In American history, the first lady has not always been the wife of the president. When the president was widowed or a bachelor, a close female relative served as the White House hostess and thus was known as the first lady.

Now that it appears that the United States may soon have a female president (if not with this election, surely with one in the near future), does it not seem reasonable that such a president could ask her mother, daughter, sister or other close female relative to serve as the first lady and spare her husband the need to take over the east wing of the White House?

A ruling from Miss Manners would be greatly appreciated.

She is delighted to oblige, provided we begin with the admission that "first lady" is an unofficial and rather silly title. Miss Manners agrees with Jacqueline Kennedy, who said it made her sound like a horse.

The president's spouse is a private citizen with no official rank, and thus is properly addressed, in writing and in person, as Mrs. Washington (with neither her nor her husband's given name; she would be the Mrs. Washington, with no danger of being mistaken for Mrs. Chuck Washington).

However, courtesy accords precedence to her, or to another lady serving as the president's hostess. This was referred to, in the era of more complicated and more rigorously observed precedence systems, as her being "the first lady of the land." Hence the title.

And now to the husband. If anything is sillier than "first lady," it is "first husband" (unless this is necessary to distinguish him from a marital successor also on the scene). He would be the host, and addressed simply by his name and "Mr." or another honorific he held, such as general or governor.

Perhaps this is the place to say once again that American protocol dictates that only one person at a time can hold the title of president of the United States. Former presidents should never be so addressed, although they have even taken to calling one another that. Miss Manners would have thought that having reached that position would surely have cured anyone of status anxiety.

Dear Miss Manners:

How long must you wait on guests to arrive before you decide to go ahead and eat?

My sister and her husband routinely run very late for dinner or lunch at my mom's house. On Christmas they were 90 minutes late! Everyone was there, including their own children.

My mom wants to wait until everyone is present before we start. We called their house and cellphone and got no answer. My dad decided that we needed to go ahead. The food was getting cold and we had to end up reheating it.

As your hostess and presumed cook dissents, try persuasion. It may alleviate her misgivings if you tell her Miss Manners considers it a kindness to the tardy guests not to have to bear the responsibility for spoiling dinner for the others. She recommends bringing them to the table when they arrive by saying, "We went ahead because we knew you wouldn't have wanted us to wait."

Feeling incorrect? E-mail your etiquette questions to Miss Manners (who is distraught that she cannot reply personally) atMissManners@unitedmedia.comor mail to United Media, 200 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10016.

2008Judith Martin

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