Bringing Up Babies, And Defying the Norm

Video

A College Degree, Job, and Kid All Before 30

Amy Elliott, 28, is defying the norm for her class and age group: college-educated parents in their 20s often face questions about friendships, careers, their place in life.

» LAUNCH VIDEO PLAYER

Young careerists who begin child-rearing often juggle a love of their new life (including the bottles of zinc oxide anti-rash cream) with nostalgia for happy hours at places such as the Clarendon Ballroom, an Arlington County nightclub with a young, upscale clientele. They are sometimes uneasy among older-looking parents and worry that they might be considered too young or unsophisticated to have children.

"I still don't really feel like I am an adult. When I walk up to the day care with Emmett, I always feel like they are looking at me and thinking, 'Oh, she's the babysitter dropping off the kid, or whatever,' " said Amy Elliott, 28, a George Washington University law student whose son attends the Broadcasters' Child Development Center in Northwest Washington. "I look a lot younger, and I am not dressed professionally like they are."

Amir Eftekhari, 32, a manager for a consulting company, and his wife, Luma, 31, a former systems analyst, had the first of their two children when she was 29. Eftekhari said he senses friction with older parents at Lil' Kickers soccer sessions or in the Gymboree playroom. Older mothers, he said, sometimes seem envious about the Fairfax County couple's head start on child-rearing.

He also said it can be hard to connect with other soccer dads. "One of them was wearing, like, a Rolling Stones type of sweat shirt. I like the Rolling Stones, but I didn't grow up with them. I can't say, 'Hey, let's go grab a cup of coffee,' " he said. Other parents, he said, tell them, " 'Honey, you need to take time for yourself.' They talk about leaving the kids with your grandmother and going to Cancun. We would never do that."

Some couples take the plunge when they're young to reduce the odds of miscarriage and developmental problems. After 40, women have a 50 percent chance of miscarriage, said Arthur Becker, a senior partner at the Obstetrical and Gynecological Group in Bethesda and Washington. Other moms said an early start has given them a career edge.

"By the time I'm at a point in my career where I am going to be making partner, my kids are going to be old enough to be playing on their own and sleeping on their own," said Erin Foley Lewis, 28, an associate at the law firm Cadwalader, Wickersham & Taft who recently had twins. "If I had waited until 33 to have children, I'd have newborns at the time I would be up for partner."

Others who have take time off are easily irritated at the suggestion that they have "opted out," a controversial expression for women who leave high-flying careers to raise children. People in their 20s said they are too young to feel they cannot resume their professions and excel.

"The expression sounds permanent, but a lot of parents want to do a little bit of both, moderated to some degree," said Liz Johnson, who was given a one-year leave from a consulting job while she raises her 7-month-old, James. She also works 10 hours a week at an organization that gives state governments federal funding information.

"Am I going to be able to do the things I want to be able to accomplish, given that 90 percent of my time goes to the baby?" she asked. "Having a baby is definitely a risk. You risk losing a devotion to yourself, to other things like a cause. I have one friend who goes in the evenings to get his PhD in social policy. . . . I don't know if I'll ever have time to do that."

As Johnson and Libresco changed their son's diapers one morning at their home in Alexandria, they talked about how their new schedule for sleep, which doesn't really exist anymore, astounds their friends. "I had lunch with my college friend yesterday, who was asking what it was all like. I said I got up at 5 a.m.," Libresco said. "She was like, 'I can't believe you're doing this.' She said she had been thinking of adopting a toddler. I wasn't sure if she was joking."

Johnson said she laughs when she tries scheduling Sunday brunches with childless friends in Washington. "Ten o'clock is an early brunch to them, but we've been up for four hours by then," she said.

When friends turn down invitations to hang out, the rejection can prompt a flash of envy. "Two friends of mine are married. They travel constantly. One is finishing law school; the other is getting a master's in public policy," Johnson said. "We invite them over, and we get these responses like: 'So sorry. We can't come. We'll be in the Gal¿pagos for the week.' They later sent pictures. We were like, 'Wow, that's amazing.' "

Talk at home might revolve around the frequency of eating solids and replenishing baby clothes, but the couple said parenthood is giving them a new level of ambition that is sophisticated and rejuvenating. "When you arrange an environment and provide guidance and see that it actually happens, all the things you're working on, it's this feeling of joint accomplishment between me and Liz," Libresco said. "That's this bliss."

But sometimes that bliss gets upended on a moment's notice. "Our nanny quit yesterday," Libresco said one day this month. "We haven't spoken with her. She just left a note on the door."