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By Joe Heim, Justin Rude and Dan Zak
Sunday, January 20, 2008

Dear Wise Guys:

Which moronic company makes those carry-out-joint plastic soup spoons, the ones that are die-cut and so sharp they cut your mouth and you find blood on the spoon while eating (yuck). How can we find the makers and wring their necks until they fix them?

-- Michael

Joe: Are you sure you're not using a fork? My advice would be to eat with a little less gusto.

Dan: Sounds as though you have a rare eating disorder. To get help, visit www.instituteofcrazy.org/ivegotbloodonmyspoon.

Dear Wise Guys:

Back in September I discovered that my boyfriend of a year and a half had been cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend. I gave myself some time and eventually took him back, but just recently he left his cellphone at my house and on an impulse I checked his mailbox.

I know that it was wrong, but I had a good reason to do so. I discovered messages from him to another girl saying kind of intimate things. I confronted him about it, and he said that they were just "good friends" and that he was joking about the things he said to her. Should I believe him?

-- Hopelessly Devoted

Joe: Dear Hopeless, the short answer is no. The long answer is noooooooooooo! Do you really want to be with a guy whom you trust so little that you're reduced to checking his cellphone mailbox?

Dan: The is the first time I've seen Joe write something accurate.

Joe: Thanks!

Dear Wise Guys:

Years ago in traffic school in Virginia I learned that it is legal to make a left turn on a red light onto a one-way street in Virginia. Is it legal to do that in Maryland? I'm thinking particularly of Colesville Road and University Boulevard in Silver Spring. Can I make a left onto westbound University without getting a ticket? Please help -- I don't want to go back to traffic school!

-- Debra

Justin: In Maryland and Virginia, it is permissible to turn left at a red signal from one one-way street onto another (after coming to a complete stop, of course), unless signs state otherwise. As Colesville Road has two directions of traffic, you'll have to look elsewhere to practice this somewhat esoteric traffic right. Just make sure it's not in the District. I have been the passenger in a car that was pulled over for attempting this very maneuver just inside the border of the city, where it is significantly less legal.


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