They Have Losing Down to a Science

By Norman Chad
Monday, January 21, 2008

The New Jersey Institute of Technology -- which, in the interest of space and the environment, will be referred to as "NJIT" from here on in -- is a solid science-and-technology university with many fine qualities.

Basketball is not one of them.

At 0-20 this season, NJIT is the only winless Division I team in America.

NJIT -- which has lost 24 consecutive games and 44 of its past 47 -- dropped its season opener to Manhattan, 70-28. The game followed a familiar NJIT pattern: It began scoreless, then the opponent took a small lead, quickly climbed to a big lead and eventually built an insurmountable lead.

NJIT has lost 12 of its 20 games this season by at least 20 points and five games by at least 30 points. No contest has been closer than nine points, and the Highlanders have not led a single game at the half.

If NJIT split the squad and played each other, it's possible neither team would win.

The coach, Jim Casciano, even left the team for a month earlier this season for what he called a "combination of medical factors." The prevailing medical factor? HIS TEAM CAN'T SHOOT.

Against Manhattan, NJIT missed 40 of 48 field goal attempts. Last week in a 64-33 loss to Cornell, the Highlanders missed 32 of 40 field goal attempts. They have not shot 50 percent from the field in any game this season; in fact, in six games they have shot under 50 percent from the foul line. If an NJIT player fell out of the team bus while on the Garden State Parkway, he wouldn't hit pavement.

In NJIT's defense, while it doesn't shoot well, the team also doesn't pass or rebound well.

So, why is Couch Slouch calling out NJIT for its on-court calamities?

Because it's self-inflicted: The school decided it wanted to go big-time in athletics and stepped up to Division I before the 2006-07 season.

(At this point I must bring up my misguided alma mater, Maryland. I keep imploring the school to say goodbye to Division I; alas, this is like telling Paris Hilton to give up paparazzi. A benefactor recently donated $10 million to the university, including $8 million for athletics, most of which will go to upgrade team facilities. A new Nautilus machine here, some fresh carpeting there and -- who knows? -- if Ralph Friedgen and his football staff get a Wii for the game room, we might be 9-4 or 10-3 by 2012! )

(I hate to beat a dead turtle, but why must this massive money keep flowing to the playing field? What's the point? To win? How important is winning? It's just a game. We need to stop the madness well before March and start thinking of bigger victories.)

NJIT is seeking a higher profile, and higher profits, through athletics.

To do this, the Highlanders are seeking the post-Arthur Godfrey American dream -- to get on TV.

Note: If the goal is to just get on TV, I'm one of the most successful men in the history of this nation!

NJIT's on-court woes mirror those of the California Institute of Technology -- that's Caltech, folks -- which has been famously losing Division III basketball games at a record clip for years. Since 2002-03, Caltech's season records have been 1-23, 0-24, 1-24, 0-25, 1-24 and 1-13, and the Beavers have not won a conference game in nearly 23 years.

Frankly, tech schools should learn to stick with what they know best.

You don't see Dunkin' Donuts offering pan-fried trout.

You don't see the Communist government in Cuba buying Microsoft stock.

You don't see Adam Sandler doing Shakespeare in the Park.

NJIT has been blinded by the bright lights of Division I and by seeking validation from Dick Vitale. Sure, who doesn't want to beat Duke one day?

Beating Duke is arguably the most rewarding athletic or non-athletic endeavor on the face of the Earth. But NJIT -- the New Jersey Friggin' Institute of Technology, for goodness sakes -- should stick with stem cell research and solar physics.

Ask The Slouch

Q: How many football players can read and write when they leave college?

(Don Witulski; Coeur d'Alene, Idaho)

A: According to NCAA data, nearly 102 percent of football players can read and write when they leave college.

Q: In terms of genius, where would Bill Belichick rank? (Rick Falcone; Oconomowoc, Wis.)

A: Just behind Albert Einstein, just ahead of the guy who invented Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

Q: Can I count on your support to lobby the FCC for a ruling that once a quarterback is eliminated from the playoffs, no commercial featuring that quarterback can be shown again until the start of the following season? This would be known as the Freedom from Peyton Act. (Jim Ashley; Dunn Loring)

A: Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!