Three Wise Guys

(Danny Hellman / For The Washington Post)
By Joe Heim, Justin Rude and Dan Zak
Washington Post Staff Writers
Sunday, February 3, 2008

Have a question only the Three Wise Guys can answer? Send it towiseguys@washpost.comand await their words of wise-dom.

Dear Wise Guys:

My husband recorded a ring tone of my new puppy (a bluetick hound) baying and barking. Fine. He said he was going to assign it to me when I called him. Not fine. I countered that I would have our son record himself passing gas and assign it to my husband when he called me. My husband was hurt. He said he thought I'd think it was funny. I don't, unless he uses it for all his calls, not just mine. He countered that it was my dog; I countered that it's his son. He still didn't understand. I called him dense, and we dropped it. Do you guys get it?

Doghouse Builder

Joe: Well, at least he didn't get a ring tone of the puppy passing gas and assign that to your calls. Presumably your pup is warm, cuddly, beautiful and lovable, and that's why your husband wants to associate its dulcet-toned woof with your calls. Sounds like a sweet guy. (And, yeah, tell him he can send us a check or cash for backing him up.)

Dear Wise Guys:

I was sorting through some old electronics equipment in my basement and found my old original Nintendo Entertainment System. The game console doesn't work anymore, but I want to do something with the controllers and the Duck Hunt gun. Can you think of anything cool or artistic that I can make out of the old controllers and gun?


Justin: I love your idea of combining recycling and the visual arts, but I hate to see a knife taken to a classic console. My own misgivings aside, there are a wealth of possibilities. One of my favorite examples is a pair of earrings made from the power and reset buttons that can be found on the online marketplace Etsy ( And a controller would make a pretty fantastic belt buckle. The light gun is a bit harder -- just don't paint it black and wave it around in a bank.

Dan: I once successfully foiled a burglary by pretending my Duck Hunt gun was a Taser.

Joe: Yet another lie from Dan.

Dear Wise Guys:

I lived here for 16 years, left for four and came back this year. After reading about how D.C. is the "worst" city for dating in America (AOL poll) and the second-ugliest next to Philly (Travel and Leisure magazine), I wonder, seriously: Is D.C. the worst place to live in the country? I think so! What do you think?


Dan: People are still paying attention to AOL? Good grief. I couldn't find the first poll, but the participants probably took it because they had nothing better to do. Which means they are boring, potentially homely people with no social lives. So there's that. As for the Travel and Leisure survey, since Joe hails from Philly and bears only a passing resemblance to Andy Reid, I'll let him address that.

Joe: All I know is that D.C. was never among the ugliest cities, and then Dan moved here. And now it's second-ugliest.

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