Paying His Way

As Valentine's Day approaches it's a good time to look at your love situation from a financial vantage point. For example, last week I asked what advice you would give to a woman who wants to rescue her boo, who is having financial trouble. When she offered to pay for things, he refused. Confused about what to do, she turned to advice columnist Carolyn Hax. I wondered what you might advise the woman. Here's what some of you said:

"Take it from me," says Vanessa Fleeton of Washington, D.C. "Do not put on your cape and fly in to save the day. Please allow him to be the man [he is]. Sometimes we women try to fix the world. My former husband (notice I said former) and I made it my business to handle his affairs and I regretted every bit of it. It caused me and the marriage so much stress. Let [this guy] handle his business and if you decide to marry him, you two will work as one. It's admirable that he's not allowing you to take over things. You'll appreciate that quality as time goes on."

Robin Llewellyn, a Seattle, Wash., native said, "I think if they are dating and she wants to pay for their dates, then fine. However, I don't think she should pay for his rent, utilities, groceries, etc...I am tired of society saying the man should pay all the time, especially when it means you can't have fun with each other while preserving his pride. The usual advice applies though, don't go into debt in order to 'have fun,' or find inexpensive or free things to do together."

"I think that she should selectively and cautiously offer to pay for extra things that they do, such as movies, dinner, etc.," wrote JC of Laurel, Md. "I believe that she should let him take the financial wheel when it comes to his finances. I, too, am in a similar situation, and I've found that the less of a crutch that I am to him, the better he works at making his finances work out to do the things that he needs to do overall. By her stepping in to pay for everything...he will "never" become responsible with money."

"I agree with Hax - watch and see what he does," says Wanda Parks of Baltimore, Md. "Don't mess up his desire to change by stepping in when you shouldn't. And, don't offer a 'loan' as that would just put even more pressure on him."

Here's a man's perspective:

"[This] really spoke to my situation" says Joseph M. in Maryland. "I am 30 and will be finishing a masters this year with more student loans than I can shake a stick at. My girlfriend has two great jobs and understands that I have been in a situation that has caused me to be deep into debt. Consider the fact that he may not want to ask for help because he is used to not being able to ask."

Finally, watch out for the boo who may really be a bum says Mary Lou Lindsay of the District. Use her story as a cautionary tale whether you're a male or female: "From personal experience, I can say I have dated someone in the past who started out being the last of the big spenders and I was quite impressed. A year later, he was going under and I said I would help him until he got on his feet. He would have been satisfied to just sit down and not go anywhere and spend no money whatsoever. I liked going out and said I would pay for those type of things. Over time, I began to realize he had no intention of creating any difference in his financial situation and was content to work less and less. It took me awhile, but once I understood this, I moved on."

Love and Money Chat

Join me next Thursday for a live discussion with Victoria F. Collins, executive vice president and a principal of The Keller Group Investment Management, Inc. Collins is co-author of "Couples and Money: A Couples' Guide Updated for the New Millennium" ($13.95, Gabriel Publications) and "Divorce and Money 3ED (3rd)". The chat starts at Noon ET, so join us then (or read the transcript later) as we talk about couples, singles, dating and dollars.

Hard Workers, Big Spenders

Post personal finance reporter Nancy Trejos wrote a piece every young, single person should read: "Play Money" (Feb. 3).