The Empire Strikes Back

By Norman Chad
Monday, February 18, 2008

Last month at the UCLA-Oregon men's basketball game, UCLA freshman Kevin Love -- an Oregon native -- was greeted with ugly, obscene chants and signs because he had left his home state to play elsewhere. This month at the Indiana-Illinois game, freshman Eric Gordon -- who first pledged to Illinois before signing with Indiana -- needed a security guard for himself and his family as hateful Illini fans heaped abuse on them all night.

Also this month came national signing day, in which high school football players announce their college choices on national TV in front of fawning admirers. One Nevada senior held a typical news conference at his packed high school gymnasium to declare he had selected California over several schools; alas, it was a hoax since he had not been recruited by anyone -- he just wanted to pretend he had.

Welcome to the decline and fall of the Roman empire, U.S. edition.

Remember the great Roman empire?

Its decline was caused not just by greed, lust and indifference to civic virtues. Its decline -- and you could look this up, except you won't find it anywhere -- was caused by an unhealthy preoccupation with sports. The Romans became so lazy and soft and wealthy, their way of life crumbled as they filled local arenas for chariot races, gladiator fights and the occasional Christian fed to the lions.

Sound familiar?

Their empire and our empire have scary similarities. In ancient Rome, public executions were held at midday; in modern America, we have "The Jerry Springer Show."

You think the emperor Romulus Augustulus was worried about crumbling roads and growing crime? No. He was sitting on his fat butt in the public baths, waiting to get the latest ball scores from Bithynia.

They lost their eye on the prize -- to wit, to maintain a civilized, cultured society with a sense of perspective -- and gathered every Sunday to watch blood-letting spectacles. Charioteers were role models. Athletics was paramount.

Back then, they didn't have sports radio and the Internet, they simply scratched messages into the dirt with a stick.

"Beat Athens!"

"The Only Good Gladiator Is A Dead Gladiator."

"Fire Isiahus!!!"

As noted by the Roman poet Juvenal, all Romans were interested in was "bread and circuses." The famed Circus Maximus -- despite exorbitant ticket prices and inadequate parking -- was filled every weekend with wrestling matches, lute concerts and monster chariot pulls.

It was a land in which supreme prosperity led to base gratification. In the year 63, for instance, Nero fired his chief of staff after a fourth-place finish in his fantasy gladiator league.

Other sporting excesses were in overabundance:

¿ Secondary schools let out early to watch the World Series of Rock Throwing.

¿ Institutions of higher learning were handing out javelin scholarships like so many beads at Mardi Gras.

¿ Marcus Aurelius tried to use public monies to implode the Colosseum and replace it with a retractable-roof facility.

¿ Several top marathoners reportedly were using bottled water brought in from Crete.

Well, the imperious Romans eventually tumbled -- to this day, you can't get a good steam and a rub in that part of the world -- and, centuries later, Team USA reigns. But, my friends, we are teetering in broad daylight, for we love our games often at the expense of our needs.

I am reminded of something ESPN's Kirk Herbstreit said before the Ohio State-Michigan football game in 2006: "When I was in high school, when I started to realize I was going to play at a pretty high level of football in college and it was the middle of the Cold War. . . . I used to go to bed praying to hold off nuclear bombs until I got a chance to play in the Ohio State-Michigan game."

He got his wish, and on the downside of American civilization, the band plays on.

Ask The Slouch

Q. I am a journalism major at Georgia Southern University. If I graduate in May, may I use you as a reference on my r¿sum¿? (Derek Wiley; Commerce, Ga.)

A. In the world of journalism, my name is -- how shall I say? -- not universally respected. If I were you, I'd go it alone.

Q. What were the little ribbons that many of the dogs were wearing during this year's Westminster Kennel Club show? (Jack Litchfield; Shaker Heights, Ohio)

A. Those were in memory of "The Bad Newz Eight."

Q. There is much talk about Red Sox Nation, Buckeye Nation, even Clipper Nation. Have your former wives already invited No. 3 to be a part of Ex-Chad Nation? (Phil Cefaratti; Alexandria)

A. She hasn't paid her dues yet.

Q. If Andy Pettitte appears before Congress, will Roger Clemens fly in Pettitte's brother from Sicily to sabotage the testimony? (Tony Accettulla; Pittsburgh)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!