Paranoid? Don't Worry; It's All Under Control

Have you seen the latest issue of Paranoia magazine?

No? Well, that's not surprising, is it? There's a very good reason why you haven't seen it: They don't want you to see it. They know that Paranoia exposes them and their secret conspiracies to control every aspect of human life.

Who are they? Good question. That's exactly what they don't want you to know. And it's exactly what Paranoia reveals in every issue. They are the secret government. They are the Freemasons, the CIA, the Council on Foreign Relations, the Bilderberg Group, the New World Order, the Secret Council of Ten. They are the people who killed JFK, who covered up the truth about UFOs, who plotted the attacks of 9/11. They control the world and everything in it, including your mind unless you've got a tinfoil hat like the one I'm wearing right now to prevent them from bombarding my brain with secret mind-control rays.

Wait a minute . . . where was I? Oh, right, Paranoia magazine. It's an incredible magazine, founded in 1992, circulation 15,000, published three times a year and packed with the kind of information that the mainstream media won't tell you because they are part of them.

The latest issue reveals a secret Pentagon plot to control the weather with radio signals. It also reveals the secret connection between the JFK assassination and "the contamination of the polio vaccine with cancer-causing monkey viruses."

This issue of Paranoia also reveals that David Icke, the British conspiracy theorist who disclosed in a previous issue of Paranoia that the queen of England is really a shape-shifting Satanic reptile, is himself funded by money that comes from the Rockefellers, who Icke had previously identified as "reptilian full-bloods." It kinda makes you wonder about Icke, doesn't it?

And that's not all. The new issue of Paranoia also has a story about Lt. Col. Tom Bearden a "microphysics wizard" who has revealed that "1) Nothing contains everything" and "2) we can get something for nothing." Bearden is a genius who knows how to get unlimited free energy but his knowledge is suppressed by what he calls "an agency with a three letter acronym."

Now, I know you're thinking "that sounds crazy," but the article on Bearden wasn't written by some nut. It was written by Iona Miller, who is a "hypnotherapist" and "multimedia artist" who describes her work as a combination of "new physics, biophysics, paramedia, philosophy, cosmology, healing, creativity, qabalah, magick, metaphysics and society." So obviously she knows her stuff.

But one thing bothers me: Why do the editors call their publication Paranoia? Doesn't that sort of suggest that you'd have to be, you know, crazy to believe the stuff they print?

I decided to ask the co-editors, Joan D'Arc and Al Hidell. I called and Joan D'Arc answered. Well, I wasn't born yesterday so I knew that name was fake -- a subtle reference to Joan of Arc. So I asked her: "What's your real name?" She refused to tell me.

"You must surely realize that there are people out there who hate us and would want to harm us."

She told me that editing Paranoia was not a full-time job so I asked her what she did for a living.