ASK AMY

DEAR AMY: My mother-in-law is an on-again, off-again alcoholic who is out of control when she drinks too much. She had been on the wagon for about two years after having a stroke, but she recently started drinking again.

This wouldn't affect me personally all that much -- his folks live out of state, and we only see them once a month -- but we have a preschooler whom she loves to visit and "take care of" so that we can have date nights.

Given that she is unpredictable and that her husband is incapable of managing her, I have no desire to leave my child alone with them anymore.

They are planning to visit next weekend so that my husband and I can have a "romantic day" out. I don't believe we will be taking them up on their baby-sitting offer.

I need a tactful way to express to them that her unpredictable behavior is the reason she has lost "alone time" privileges with our child. However, I don't want to damage our relationship forever. -- My Child Deserves Better

DEAR BETTER: First, your mother-in-law isn't an "on-again, off-again alcoholic." She is an alcoholic. Everyone in her life needs to recognize this important distinction.

People wrestling with addiction sometimes respond when forced to face the consequences their drinking is bringing upon them and the people who love them.

I don't know of a tactful way to express this truth, but tact might not be called for in this circumstance.

You and your husband need to say to her: "Mom, we are very worried about your drinking. We are terrified that you will ruin your health, and we urge you to get treatment. Obviously, we can't leave 'Sam' alone with you until we know you are no longer drinking."

You could help your mother-in-law find an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in her hometown by checking the organization's state-by-state listing on their Web site at: aa.org.

DEAR AMY: I have been deeply in love with a man for the past four years. After college I moved to be with him, thinking that we could work on our dreams together. This is my second year here, and I have not yet found a career. I have no friends. I am depressed and miss my past life.

I told my boyfriend that I do not want to live here anymore. Every day is painful for me. I cannot find a job. I turned down offers to come here.